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Dear Demetria: 

I am currently separated and close to finalizing my divorce. I have been dating this man for about two years. I’ve never been to his home, and the only time we get together is for amazing sex. He will not include me in his life. He says I am not a booty call, but I can’t help feeling used. What do I do? —Anonymous 

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I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume that you began dating this man after you separated from your husband. And I’m also going to hope that you married young, or you were married for a long while and your basic dating skills either never developed or got rusty while you were out of the game. That’s the only way I can make sense of you asking this question.

The man you’re “dating”? He isn’t interested in a relationship. He’s made that obvious over the last two years by, as you said, only meeting up with you for sex and never including you in his life. He’s not even pretending that this is something it isn’t. He sounds very intentional in making sure you know your place in his life. I mean, two years and you’ve never seen his house? And every time you meet up with him, you have sex? You haven’t seen a pattern here?

I’m also confused by your word choices here. You call yourself “dating this man,” but you’ve never been to his house in two years, and every time you see him, it’s because sex is involved. That’s not dating. That’s “friends with benefits.” Dating has the potential of going somewhere, maybe a relationship, maybe the altar, but “friends with benefits”? Not so much. The end goal is an orgasm.

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I’m perplexed at how you believe you were “used” here. You had consensual “amazing” sex. He provided you with good times; you did the same. An even exchange isn’t a hustle. Was he telling you sweet nothings and promising a future with you? I’d give you, maybe, the first three to four months of believing the hype; but two years and you never saw the inside of his house? You’re going to have to take some accountability for being willfully naive and overwhelmingly hopeful for all this time. I’m going to guess also that the likely emotional devastation of the divorce and your being in “need” of comfort played a part in your ignoring the obvious signs here.

I also need to remind you that you’re still married. You may be physically separated from your husband, and you may have emotionally checked out long before that, but the fact remains, you’re still someone else’s wife. Even if you met a guy who wanted to build a relationship with you, the question is, build to where? The top slot is already taken. Think about it from a guy’s perspective: Where is a relationship with you really going? I actually understand completely why the guy you’re dating, or any man, would be hesitant to emotionally invest with you, given your marital status.

It sounds like what you want is a relationship and amazing sex. And if that’s the case, you need to stop engaging with the guy you’ve kept as a friend with benefits for two years. He ain’t the one to build with, and he won’t suddenly be interested, even after your divorce is final. (If you want to continue having sex, that’s between you and your moral compass.) For a better shot at a relationship, wait until your divorce is final. You’ll find better pickings of men and be taken more seriously as a potential partner when you’re no longer someone else’s wife.

Demetria Lucas D’Oyley is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love as well as A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. She is also a blogger at SeeSomeWorld.com, where she covers pop culture and travel. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.

Previously in Ask Demetria: “My Boyfriend Knows How to Act Right When I Threaten to End It. Why Can’t He Act Right All the Time?