VH1

At one point during the season premiere of Basketball Wives, the returning Evelyn Lozada asks a very poignant question: “Why the fuck am I here?” One of my favorite colored-people proverbs comes to mind:

A check is a check.

Although Lozada successfully managed to flee VH1 and go on to OWN to star in her own show, the family-themed and far less contentious Livin’ Lozada ended after two seasons. So, while Lozada is presumably not hurting for much as far as money goes (being on TV for a while plus being engaged to a baseball player ought to come with a certain cushion), she is a television personality. It helps to be working on a television show when you’re a television personality. Plus, it is very likely that VH1 waved a wad of money her way to convince her to come on home and help save a series on the decline.

Last year I wrote “Basketball Wives LA: The Thrill Is Gone,” which addressed how dull and draining the show had become. Evelyn may have briefly wondered why she subjected herself to this show all over again, but plenty of longtime viewers didn’t give a shit. We’re just glad you’re back, OG Puerto Rican royalty.

Evelyn’s comeback begins exactly how you’d expect: with her stunting. We see Evelyn during her weeklong run as a guest host on The Real. Shaunie O’Neal, elated to have another co-star she actually wants to film with, joins her backstage. What do they talk about? Tami Roman, naturally.

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For weeks now, VH1 has been teasing Evelyn’s return by reminding us of her volatile relationship with Tami. Evelyn and Tami were cool until it was revealed that Evelyn slept with Tami’s then-estranged husband. Evelyn told Tami that she knew nothing about her and that she was a “nonmotherfucking factor.” That resulted in one of Tami’s trademark sucker punches, and a brawl that was quickly stomped out by security.

Thing is, the two got along swimmingly later on, but once Evelyn left the show, old wounds quickly resurfaced. All these years later, Tami is still salty about it and won’t stop talking about. Literally, Tami spends most of the episode trying to label Evelyn a ho. A fake ho. A dishonest ho. A ho-ass ho. Ho, ho, ho, she wants to toss a lump of coal at her head for being a ho.

Tami clings to the “Evelyn is a ho” narrative because it’s seemingly the one thing in her mind that places her above Evelyn. Tami is probably calling me a bitch now, but it’s not my fault she can’t take Evelyn. Tami has come a long way since her start on this show: The wigs and weaves are better; the dresses look less Rainbow; she stopped buying loosies. You would think she would find peace in that. She’s like the embodiment of Monica’s After the Storm.

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But no, Tami keeps taking shots. At one point, she questions Evelyn’s relevance. Tami may have been on reality TV for two decades, but Evelyn has managed to score two spinoffs. Tami is making folks laugh in a bonnet on Instagram. Granted, the shit is funny and should be a show, but madam, really?

As for Evelyn, she says she sees darkness when she looks at Tami. You know, I have often likened Evelyn to a Disney villain who throws bottles in the club, but she is on to something. Evelyn is a baddie, and it is entertaining as hell to see how she makes Tami sick by merely breathing.

However, before their confrontation at the ’70s mixer (don’t ask), Jackie Christie decides to tag herself in for beef with Evelyn. Jackie is mad at Evelyn because Evelyn donated to the GoFundMe her estranged daughter launched for her son, who was severely burned. Who gets mad about charitable donations?

Bless her heart, Jackie Christie still makes up reasons to be angry with someone so she can get screen time. Like, Jackie Christie literally makes up stories in her head to feel a part of a group. Can you imagine a show with her and Kenya Moore? It would be the most annoying show ever.

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Anyhow, Evelyn doesn’t pretend to care about Jackie Christie’s imaginary beef, and Jackie Christie leaves early for a flight.

Then comes Tami and Evelyn. It doesn’t take long before Tami finally admits that what she was really mad about was being called a “a nonmotherfucking factor.”

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Too bad Malaysia Pargo wasn’t there to say this in real time:

Seriously, it’s been years, and it appears that divorce papers had been filed by the time Evelyn met Tami’s ex Kenny. As I recall, Kenny is a man who cheated on and ditched Tami and left her with nothing—resulting in her going on food stamps for herself and their kids.

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In other words, a terrible, dishonest person played you, but you’re mad at the woman who swears she knows nothing about you? Tami is another sad love song wrecking our brains like crazy. Even so, I’ll keep watching her Throwback Thursday-ass tantrums because I got Evelyn Lozada back.

Consider me back in, full time.

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Oh, I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge a new cast member, Keonna Green, who has children with Nick Young and claimed that when Nick was dating Iggy Azalea, the two were still having sex. And not only that, but Iggy knew. Who’s the biggest ho on the show? Pick either of the men mentioned last night.