On Wednesday, butt-hurt wypipo everywhere joined together to boycott Netflix because of the trailer for the new show Dear White People. After Issa Rae’s Insecure and Russian spies exposed America’s secret white email network last year, we managed to hack into the white server and unearth the email that started the entire Netflix controversy:
Dear Fellow Caucasians,
Yesterday I was feeling a little despondent after I discovered I was out of organic, gluten-free mayonnaise, so I decided to cheer myself up by watching something on my favorite streaming service. As I scrolled through the seemingly limitless listings of Caucasian content, I stumbled across a trailer for the upcoming Netflix series Dear White People. I was so appalled by what I saw that I immediately bolted for my safe space, grabbed my pearls, threw them around my neck and clutched them while delicate drops of low-salt, distilled white tears streamed down my face.
Although the teaser was an innocuous clip about how distasteful it is when our fellow white people wear blackface on Halloween, I saw it for what it really was: an insult.
It was symbolic of America’s growing disrespect for the white man. It was reverse racism. I mean, come on. Let’s be realistic—Halloween is a time for fun and fantasy. If we can’t dress and act a little obscene during this one holiday, what holidays will we have left to enjoy the proud history of American racism (besides Columbus Day, Cinco de Mayo, Thanksgiving and Confederate Memorial Day)?
At first I considered that I might be blowing things out of proportion, so I jumped on white Twitter to see if anyone else felt the lack of respect. My fears were instantly confirmed when I saw these tweets:
— Baked Alaska™ (@bakedalaska) February 8, 2017
— Alex Roltner (@AlexRoltner) February 8, 2017
I’m getting so tired of the ongoing assault against our people. This is the “white genocide” we speak of so often. Between the Kardashian sisters crossing the color line and Beyoncé popping out babies two at a time, we will be the minority soon! We are slowly losing this great country we stole, and unless we take a stand, it is possible that we will continue losing the privileges our whiteness affords us.
I know what some of you are saying as you read this: Is it really that important?
Listen, my alt-right brethren, do you know what we are up against? If we don’t take a stand against these insidious little actions, we might have to face an unthinkable scenario:
Is that what you want?
Do you want those people getting the same quality education as you? Do you want your little boys and girls to grow up in a country where they have to work for everything they get? Don’t you see every other week there is an article about some little black kid who slips through the cracks, happens to get a decent education, and gets accepted into an Ivy league school when he or she is still in diapers? Do you know what happens when the playing fields are leveled? Trust me, you don’t want to find out what happens when your white-privilege card is revoked. It’s going to be ugly.
I’m sure we can just ignore this little incident and be satisfied that 99 percent of the content on Netflix is geared toward our great white race. We could wallow in our complacency and accept the fact that 10 episodes of a television show won’t change the power structure in America.
But that’s not what we do.
That’s not the attitude that got us 80 percent of Congress, 44 of 45 presidencies, 45 0f the 50 governors, the Supreme Court, 96 percent of the Fortune 500 CEOs, 500 years of free labor and a country we can call our own, without having to repay nary an acre nor mule. It’s not the attitude that also begat us a urine-colored, tiny-fingered Twitter troll for president, which is the gift that keeps on giving. (By the way, are we all still individually refusing to admit we voted for him? I’m down with whatever the Caucasian collective decides, but I think they’re gonna figure us out soon.)
I know our ethnic cleansing efforts have proved fruitful so far in 2017, but don’t let the success of the Muslim ban, the Super Bowl, the Mexican wall and whatever we decide to call the upcoming “law and order” initiative—when we rain down bullets and batons on inner cities, take the land, force out the dark people, and put in Panera Breads and cigar shops (I kinda like the name “Trail of Tears 2.0”)—go to your heads. We’re fragile! We complain! It’s kind of our thing!
So boycott Netflix. Turn your subscriptions off. Let them know that we will not stand for being insulted. It may seem small, but we must make ourselves loud enough to drown out a television series that seeks only to highlight the frustrations of underrepresented voices in an entertaining way. For this is the essence of our people! Be loud. Be proud. Be white. And above all else ...