Karen Grigsby Bates

is a Los Angeles-based correspondent for NPR News and co-author, with Karen Elyse Hudson, of The New Basic Black: Home Training For Modern Times (Doubleday).

About Come Correct

Manners and mores in modern life? It's about way more than where the fork goes.

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KAREN GRIGSBY'S BLOG ROLL

Character Counts

"The measure of a man's character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out." Baron Thomas Babington Macauley

And that's for good or for bad things. What we do unobserved or when we don't have to in some measure defines who we are. So to pick some pretty mundane (but not unimportant) examples, I'd say character is:

*Picking up what fell down, even if you didn't drop it.

*Returning the change when the cashier miscounts, gives you too much and doesn't notice.

*Rising to give a seat to someone who needs it more than you, even when you're tired and you're not sitting in one of those sections that's priority seating for the elderly, disabled, etc.

*Admitting fault, even when more people than you were involved.

*Being generous with sharing credit with coworkers, even when you did the bulk of the work on the project.

*defending the powerless, even when it's not your problem.

*Congratulating a friend or colleague who got the promotion, mate, financial windfall you were hoping to get.

Abraham Lincoln once observed "Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing."

What's YOUR definition of true character? Waiting...

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  • 6 Comments

It looks like your detractors are unwittingly proving your point for you, Karen.

Don't worry. I "get it". And whether they admit it or not I suspect that they do too.

For the second one, if the cashier miscounts you should return the money...no you shouldn't! That money is NOT the cashier's, it's the corporation's and unless it's a Mom and Pop store there is no reason not to keep it. The corporation is already charging more money than they need to. Anything THEY give you is yours by right.

And for anyone worried about the cashier getting in trouble, they won't get fired.

Miss Karen,
You need to explain yourself more for each example. Because what about the reverse? If I'm cashiering, should I spot someone a penny if it gets me in trouble?

If you are ready to drop dead and meet your ancestors, or any other entity you think you might meet up with, then at least you have personal integrity. Granted, other people might not appreciate your creative definitions of what's ok.

...I think you're off the mark here. The problem is that all parties have to agree on what good character is before something you've done could be considered in good character.

*Picking up what fell down, even if you didn't drop it.

What if you're in a very upscale neighborhood people don't know you in, you had no way to prove you didn't knock the thing over and the owner, who caught you picking it up, thus presumed you knocked it over and would subsequently call the police/file a lawsuit against you, would you still pick up what fell down in retrospect?

*Returning the change when the cashier miscounts, gives you too much and doesn't notice.

What if you getting them in trouble now for miscounting by a few cents/dollars prevents the cashier from making a much bigger miscounting mistake later that would get them fired?

*Rising to give a seat to someone who needs it more than you, even when you're tired and you're not sitting in one of those sections that's priority seating for the elderly, disabled, etc.

Define a person who "needs it more than you".

*Admitting fault, even when more people than you were involved.

What if your continued admittance of fault gets you fired and the person(s) who were really at fault make no effort to admit their faults and get off scot-free and employed? Now the company is worse off than before.

*Being generous with sharing credit with coworkers, even when you did the bulk of the work on the project.

What if your sharing of credit gets those who did little of the work promotions to places where they do little of the work, while you remain in place? Now the company is worse off than before.

*defending the powerless, even when it's not your problem.

Define what's "not your problem".

*Congratulating a friend or colleague who got the promotion, mate, financial windfall you were hoping to get.

That's courteous, but feigned courtesy is a well-established social/political tool. What if that gesture leads that person to make your work life worse because it was perceived differently than it was intended?

Unfortunately, by my definition, character is not all goldenrods of heavenly virtue. It's trying to figure out what's actions will produce the best outcome given the particular circumstances involved. Sometimes it seems virtuous, sometimes it seems cold or uncaring but ultimately after analyzing the circumstances it was the best decision that could be made at that time.

What's the point in making the "right" decision if there's no reward in satisfaction? Where's the satisfaction in picking up something that got you arrested/sued? Or the satisfaction in seeing someone get fired because you let them off the hook for a small mistake? Or getting fired for lying and taking the blame while your lazy co-workers keep their jobs?

This is the true meaning of being a man. Attitude really counts! So here are a few debt relief tips: You can actually wait until 5 to 7,000 miles between oil changes, instead of 3. NOTA BENE – ONLY if you have a new or late model; if you're pushing 100,000 or more miles keep it between 3 and 4,000 miles. Also, don't buy extended warranties and use regular unleaded in lieu of premium. Warranties are no good for the average (new car every 2-3 years) and you don't drive a race car. Cutting these and other costs can help make ends meet and aid in debt relief.