It’s late, and this is the first time I’ve set foot in my home since 7:30 a.m. – 15 hours ago. That would sound unusual if it weren’t Christmastime.

I set out early so I could buy some package-sealing tape on my way to work, and spent the rest of the day limping around the office and, later, from one store to the next until I made it back home, a great deal poorer and happier, convinced I snagged some finds that just might put me back in the running for Mother of the Year.

But you probably want to know about that limp . . .

OK, this is embarrassing. I’m just thankful no one was around to see me, or hear me scream out in fear and pain.

The scene: A bowling alley near N.C. State’s campus, where we had a staff outing yesterday afternoon. I hate bowling, but I went to take photos for the monthly newsletter. A good time was had by all, and I left about a half-hour before the designated end, convinced I had a few usable shots among the dozen or so unflattering, rear-end photos I’d taken. (“Action” shots in bowling equals booty shots, unfortunately.)

So, I’m leaving, and there are about 10 steps that descend to the door. I made it down perhaps three before I somehow lost my footing, skidded, tripped and fell down the staircase and landed – hard – on the cement floor below.

At some point my knee crashed into a step and/or the floor, I don’t recall. All I know is, I was in a great deal of pain, and no one was around to help me. I was hurt, and then embarrassed, because I’m sure I looked ridiculous splayed out like that.

In Proverbs it states: Pride goeth before a fall. Um, not in my case.

Despite the throbbing pain in my left knee, and the blood trickling down my pants leg, I managed to get up, dust myself off, and creep out the door. Fortunately, I’d snagged a meter fairly close to the door. I crept to my car, fell in and just sat there for awhile, trying to collect myself. I then called the alley to let them know I’d fallen down the steps, and that they might want to clean up the Diet Coke spilled all over the steps and floor. I’d gotten a full cup right before leaving.

The guy who answered the phone was understandably concerned. I’d spent years writing and editing copy for law firm websites, and was well-versed in slip-and-fall/personal injury lawsuits. I assured him that the only reason I called was because of the spill. He offered to call an ambulance, and that only brought back some old fears: What if I was too heavy to lift? What if they had to get extra help to put me in the ambulance? What about the poor nurses at the hospital who have to struggle with moving and adjusting heavyweight patients every day?

It’s a warped way of thinking, yet I know I’m not alone.  I’d rather suffer in the quiet of my car than be checked out by an EMS team that’ll need to know my weight, take my blood pressure and who knows what else, all while concerned coworkers look on.

The ego knows no bounds.

So yes, another reason to get my weight in the normal range: No more being too embarrassed to ask for help.

No one ever choked to death swallowing his own pride.  ~ Unknown

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On a promo poster for A&E’s upcoming show Heavy, there’s a photo of a large woman, natch, against a stark, dark background. At the top it states, “From the network that brought you Intervention.” In other words, “We know how to edit to squeeze the most drama out of every moment and every last drop from your tear ducts.”

Posted right across the woman’s belly is this ominous line: “Losing is their only hope.”

**Gasp!**

Here’s the show summary: Twenty-two individuals facing extreme life-threatening health consequences as a result of their obesity experience real life change in the new original series “Heavy,” premiering Monday, January 17 at 10/9c. The eleven episode one-hour series follows two participants per episode documenting their incredible transformations during a six month treatment program.

I’ll be honest with you: I’m going to be watching every show. Maybe because I have a penchant for horror and mystery. Seriously! I watch all the ghostie stuff on Bio and Animal Planet and SyFy and wherever. Intervention is a bit much for me – again, it’s like once you’ve seen one addict, you’ve seen them all – but I also strongly dislike shows and movies that are over-the-top emotional, stupid, or make me sad and personally uncomfortable. For example, there is absolutely no way I’ll see the movie Precious; and though I thought Saving Private Ryan was great, the opening scenes made my so queasy I warn everyone against it.

I don’t watch Biggest Loser because if I want to see fat people sweating and crying all the time, I’ll go to my next family reunion. Rimshot! Seriously, it’s the same thing over and over again, not even close to “reality,” and it’s also on at the same time as one of the handful of shows I regularly watch, like NCIS or something. But Heavy? Bring it.

I think the attraction – aside from the obvious – is that it’s a fresh approach, on a network that has brought some good stuff before, like former fave Paranormal State. (Former, because lead investigator Ryan Buell now seems possessed by drama, and now it’s just sappy.) Also, folks aren’t competing to lose weight, which I think is just . . . stupid. I mean, punishing someone for not losing enough weight?

Heavy, on the other hand, seems like it’s more realistic, even though the folks are in a six-month treatment program at some faraway location. The struggle is still theirs, and I’m willing to bet there’ll be intense counseling along with vigorous exercise, with a focus on overall health and wellness, not just numbers on a scale.

Maybe I’m projecting, because that’s certainly my focus for 2011: health and wellness.

OK, the numbers on the scale are important, too.

If someone says there’s a portal to hell under some rocks, you bet your ass I’m going to move them.  ~  Ryan Buell, Paranormal State

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The new year always signals a new beginning, whether you want it to or not.

It definitely will be for me, but I’ll tell you about all the coming changes in the next week or so.

Right now, anyone vowing to join me on the weight-loss wagon January 1 will find “motivation” everywhere. Just like the Christmas commercial season seems to debut before Halloween, the annual commercial dieting season is rushing to the fore ever earlier.

We used to have to wait until January 1 before grapefruit juice, tuna and iceberg lettuce went on sale – three foods I can no longer consume, by the way, because of the awful memories associated with them. Now, though, there are few weight-loss commercials sneaking in just before Christmas. I’ve just seen a few cereals, but it was surprising, nonetheless.

December 26, though, all bets are off, and the closer we get to January 1, the worse we’ll be made to feel about feel-good indulgences. This is the first time in, I dunno, decades, that I haven’t felt crushing guilt with each sip of eggnog or every bite of cookie. I have a healthier mindset, and I’m enjoying myself a great deal more.

I’m also asking for several pairs of sweats, exercise mat and a treadmill for Christmas, *LOL*.  I can’t say I need motivation, but for the rest of you . . .

From the network that brings us Sixteen and Pregnant and Teen Mom comes I Used to be Fat. Not surprisingly, it bows December 29, two days before resolutions begin. It’s a weight-loss “reality” show that follows teens during the summer between high school graduation and their freshman year at college. There will be 10 episodes, total, brought to you by some of the folks behind Biggest Loser.

So, how much weight can these teens lose in, say, three months? The bar is set at 100 pounds.

Yes, you read that correctly.

The executive producer is telling everyone that “the kids who really dedicated themselves and really wanted this made changes that are staggering. We had multiple kids lose 100 pounds.”

Let’s take a step back and look at the big picture: Teens will now get to watch other teens lose as much as 100 pounds in three months, on a network with such great influence over its audience that Sixteen and Pregnant and Teen Mom have been accused of glamorizing teen pregnancy by making the girls they follow into tabloid stars. Each has Facebook pages and thousands of “fans.” The two shows are watched by millions of teens, making them the most successful in MTV history.

I’ve seen both shows, and I can’t say there’s anything glamorous about them. However, since they’re on MTV, I can understand how impressionable minds would see them as “stars.”

Does that mean the teens on I Used to be Fat will become stars in the eyes of millions of teens, too? Probably. Is that a good thing?

What do you think?

Until the rise of American advertising, it never occurred to anyone anywhere in the world that the teenager was a captive in a hostile world of adults.  ~  Gore Vidal

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Let me see if I understand this correctly: Allergan Inc., makers of the Lap-Band medical device, successfully petitioned the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to lower the weight limit for lap-band obesity surgery. In addition, the head of the FDA advisory panel petitioned by Allergan owns stock in (drum roll, please) Allergan Inc.

Maybe you’ve figured it out already, but here’s a little help in case you haven’t: If the FDA decides to follow the panel’s recommendation, the number of eligible patients for Lap-Band surgery will nearly double, from 15 million to 27 million.

CNN reported that the panel meeting was chaired by Karen L. Woods, an Allergan stockholder who was nonetheless granted a waiver by the FDA. She didn’t vote on the guidelines, but she certainly participated in the deliberations, dontcha think? Other news outlets reported that most of the health experts on the FDA panel had financial relationships with Allergan.

Anyway, under the new, proposed guidelines, the BMI requirement would be lowered from 35 to 30. The doctors who perform weight-loss surgery argued that this was a good idea because it would allow them to help more people.

What a load of crap. This is a classic money grab, with greed as the sole motivation. Good health is about eating well and being fit, not about the BMI – which has been proven to be consistently wrong when applied to African Americans – and not about the number on the scale.

And what about the surgery’s risks? There’s plenty of information about all the problems and even deaths that have resulted from Lap-Band surgery, but precious little about the overall safety of the device. It’s been marketed as being safe and effective, but it’s not. International studies have shown that over a 10-year-period, the rate of surgery complications went through the roof.

I’m sure a lot of women are excited about the possibility of qualifying for this surgery, since women are 80 percent of surgery patients.

Even though I’d no doubt be eligible, I would never recommend that anyone have surgery to lose weight. It’s painful, invasive and really unnecessary.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?  ~  Albert Einstein

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