About The Hardline
2009
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So, the New York Times wonders how you could ever hope to have equality in a marriage when your husband is the President of the United States. The answer is that there is no such thing as equality in marriage, and most people who have been married know that. It's a test of wills, a trial of trust. You trust each other's dream. It isn't about who has the upper hand, because rarely does anyone have it for long. Power, if we want to call it that, ebbs and flows. There is no equality, just contentment with your position. If you are married for any period of time, it all evens out.
There is some vaguely feminist notions that equality is about who makes more than or as much as whom, who has more education, who washes the dishes on how many nights of the week. Whose dream is being fulfilled. Most of you know I think feminists are full of poi, because we all know who is suppose to pay when the dinner check comes, right?
Right.
If you and your mate are compatible even a little, then your dreams will find each other and fuse together seamlessly. Michelle Obama let her husband dream without (too much) guilt. And not no trite, rhetorical BS-type of dream to keep his mind pacified either, but a dream he could actually make into reality. Barack Obama knew if he failed, she, her love and all her sheepskin had his back. It wasn't a pissing match, because if it had been, she had him beat by miles. She let him dream, and she had him faded. But that notion seems antiquated to some strong black women. I get it.
This explains the faux-mysterious failure rate of most black marriages, because many people go into them with Candyland visions of a perfect union where everything is everything all the time, men wear bras and everyone lives happily ever after. Or it becomes some kind of battle for supremacy, to see who will best the other and come out on top. Ultimately, everyone loses.
What marriage teaches you, as I note in my up-coming memoir-ish tomeThe Denzel Principle, is that people are hopelessly, tragically flawed. You have to decide upfront to accept your loved one's imperfections or move on and resign yourself to a life of multiple cats and loneliness. Sometimes, he snores. Sometimes, she farts in her sleep. More often, she makes more money than him, or vice versa. Maybe he spends money foolishlessly on comics, rare books and video games. Like me. This is Life.
What about Michelle's dream? Good question. I wonder if any black woman ever had the audacity to dream of being First Lady. So maybe by letting him dream, he gave her more than she could ever dream of. They may not be equals. But they are together. Look what his dream did for them.
Think about it.
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Thanx for sharing.
Gregor S.
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What I see in my relationship and other relationships today is that women have these great new choices but struggle in deciding which choice to make. A women can now work, be a stay-at-home mom, or work and use daycare or a nanny. I have seen so many women struggle with what to do.
My friend's wife decided to be a stay-at-home mom, but she rarely cooks or cleans. It seems to many of us, she made a very poor decision. Another friend's wife works but does not appear motherly at all at home, maybe she should not have had a child.
Bills are another big can of worms. My friend and his wife are both lawyers with great salaries, but she is always complaining to him about why does she have to pay half the mortgage. So, I understand you completely Jimi. Equality depends on whose house your in.
In this money-driven, rat race, consumer culture all women want a man in the top 1.6% (over250k a yr) of earners, and with a man earning anything less they consider themselves on some level to be settling. This is analgous to the pretty-faced size 5 each man thinks he deserves. There is nothing more dispassionate than equality btw the sexes. Feminsts, and intenet dating sites believe this garbage that if you can just meet someone who has the thirty traits you most desire, in the right amounts, like a digital cable or cell-phone plan, then you will find your perfect match and soulmate, and Madison avenue has been only happy to encourage it. Men are men and women are women, and there should be big clear differences between them. Capitalism, globalization, and hyperconsumption have made an androgynous culture and have made marriage an absolute loser for most Americans under 40 today. You would have to withdraw entirely from the culture so that the man could be a man and the woman could be a woman. Plus, in order for a marriage to work, you must STAY TOGETHER. America and Americans are not good at doing what's difficult. Besides, isn't America at war, or at least at odds with, every culture that has a strong institution of marriage and family?
Well, couple needs to be fair with each other to develop a strong and harmonious relationship. If there's equality, it is so impossible for them to live happily in a family. In the case of this couple, we all know that most of the time public can see and gather news about them. They are both public personas. It is great that they are both building up a good marital relationship. It wasn't that unlicensed lenders were the primary cause of the housing bubble's destruction, but they certainly don't help much. The problem is that now the loopholes in the licensing process are still there, and fraudulent lenders are still able to not only operate, but even to get certified and underwritten by the Federal Housing Administration. The federal government does not have the time or resources to track every lender down. That said, if you are seeking mortgage loan modification be wary of unlicensed lenders.
My husband and I each have different strengths and weaknesses. I do somethings better than he does and he does somethings better than I. Our temperaments are different, yet complimentary. The two halfs of our marriage make a better and stronger whole. We admire each other's strenths and accept each others weaknesses. Always, Always we have love and respect (even when we want to wring each other's necks LOL) I never wanted perfect, life is much to interesting to settle for that.
you aren't really thinking "well...okay she's in charge today and tomorrow I'm going to be in charge." It really isn't about who's in charge. As you state, sometimes one person is ahead...sometimes the other person takes the lead. Depends on the situation at hand.
I think you still come off sounding kind of like you are hating on women though. I couldn't help but notice the sarcasm you put in your column when referring to feminists. But whatever. I'm a feminist but I also know that I don't know everything about everything so I don't mind if the man takes the lead. Sometimes it's nice to let someone take care of you. Just like, if a man is secure in himself, he doesn't mind if the women is in the driver's seat sometimes. I think the equality thing means (if people are realistic) is that sometimes you (the man) get to hold most of the bag (80%) and the woman gets to hold 20% OR maybe next Tuesday it'll be the other way around with the man holding 20% and the woman holding 80%. Or maybe yal work together and it's 50-50. Then tomorrow it's 40-60. Each person on any given day (for any given situation) may be in the lead or following. I think that's what they mean by equality.
BTW: If the guy asks me out, then sure he ought to pay. If I ask him out, then I ought to pay. Once we are a couple...then...I pay here...you pay there...we share. I do think men should hold the door open and I'll let him pick the restaurant (call me a feminist with old fashioned tendencies...LOL).
Equal - no one is equal in a comparison talent for talent, skill for skill (kind of way - but that is not what matters) and when I got married 35 years ago our pastor said sometimes marriage is 80-20 other times 50-50 and sometimes one person is doing all the work because the other needs them to at that point and if it is all good than it is 100-100. But, things like income (over 35 years we both have been the one who brought home the most bacon). But, equal - is he going out to work when I was home caring for our children make anyone less equal. I don't think so cause we priortize what is important in our life at each stage and figure how to accomplish that with what we each bring to our marriage.
I have been the stay at home mom while he was a Battalion Commander and I was proud of him and he of me. I have also been a CEO of a Non-Profit after he retired from the military prior to him deciding which way he wanted to go in life and he was proud of me as I was of him.
If you love someone you want the best for them. My dreams have always included what his dreams are and vice-versa.
If you look at our beautiful first lady you can see in her eyes when she looks at her husband the love she has for him and when he looks at her you can see how much he loves her.