Dear Come Correct:

I'm starting to squirm: The Halloween clearance candy isn't even gone yet, and the stores in my town are already selling Christmas lights! I was in a store yesterday that was playing Christmas music. I used to really enjoy the season, but now all I can think of is how much I'm going to have to spend to "enjoy" it. My co-workers exchange gifts (they don't cost much, but still), my extended family will all send me presents. Members of my jogging club give each member a present. And have I gotten to my twentysomething kids, who all want fancy electronics, and my husband, who wants us to take a trip?

I can see why some people find the holidays depressing! I'm trying not to go there. I'd like to have a sane, relaxed holiday without a lot of money worries. Suggestions?

Bah Humbug

Dear Humbug:

Boy, do I feel your pain--and millions of other people do, too! Every year, many of us vow to have a sane Christmas. And every year, most of us break that vow. Lack of time, pressure to conform, not wanting to break your nephew's heart when he really, really wants a (your choice of expensive, battery-operated toy that will be broken in three months here) all build up to not-so great expectations.

So, some suggestions:

At the Office

Instead of exchanging $5-$10 knickknacks with everyone in your office, organize a celebratory seasonal potluck: You get a great meal, time together, and you don't put one more piece of cute junk on each others' desk.

Clubs and Organizations

If you normally give each other gifts, consider pooling your money and sending, as a group, a contribution to a charity that's close to your collective heart. It could be as nearby as the local childrens' shelter or as far away as packages for military personnel overseas (or their families at home, many of whom are struggling). There are several organizations that support women's economic independence in developing countries, or that help to build schools or provide teachers where they are badly needed.

The Extended Family

If they're nearby, substitute time for money. Does your 92-year-old great aunt really need another bottle of cologne? Maybe she'd rather have you come take down her Christmas lights, or reorganize her shelves or pick up her Rx at the pharmacy a couple times. Make your own certificates for what you think they'd like, wrap them up real nice and send them off. Or give the gift of your expertise: If you are a whiz of a baker, a cake your cousin can serve when company drops by can save her a trip to the bakery. If you know your way around a can of WD-40, Grandpa might enjoy having his squeaky doors de-squeaked. Your 12-year-old niece who thinks you're cooler than her mother (yeah, your sister--but refrain from gloating, please) might enjoy being invited over for a private showing of a DVD for the afternoon, complete with popcorn and snacks. (She can bring something from her collection, or you can share ones that were favorites when you were her age. Sparkle, anyone?)

Your Own Family

Consider one gift the entire family can enjoy in favor of lots of other things. (Maybe a weekend at a nearby ski slope or a marked-down TV to replace the old one that keeps blinking on and off...) Or tell your children they can choose one thing, within a certain price range. They might make surprisingly modest choices. You and your S.O. can challenge each other to give each other gifts that are more symbol than substance--a photo album to hold pictures of the two of you that never ended up organized in one spot. A recreation of the meal you enjoyed on your secret getaway to Napa Valley. A glass vase full of shells and a promise to visit the beach this summer. The more you can decide upon and get done ahead of time, the more time you'll have to enjoy the holidays the way you'd really like to. And when you think about it, a relaxed holiday will be the greatest gift you can give to yourself.

Jingling all the way,

Come Correct

"The measure of a man's character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out." Baron Thomas Babington Macauley

And that's for good or for bad things. What we do unobserved or when we don't have to in some measure defines who we are. So to pick some pretty mundane (but not unimportant) examples, I'd say character is:

*Picking up what fell down, even if you didn't drop it.

*Returning the change when the cashier miscounts, gives you too much and doesn't notice.

*Rising to give a seat to someone who needs it more than you, even when you're tired and you're not sitting in one of those sections that's priority seating for the elderly, disabled, etc.

*Admitting fault, even when more people than you were involved.

*Being generous with sharing credit with coworkers, even when you did the bulk of the work on the project.

*defending the powerless, even when it's not your problem.

*Congratulating a friend or colleague who got the promotion, mate, financial windfall you were hoping to get.

Abraham Lincoln once observed "Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing."

What's YOUR definition of true character? Waiting...

It’s six thirty on a week night, you’ve worked through lunch and you want to throw dinner together quickly. You grab the four items you need to make your signature 10 minute pasta, rush to the Express line….and wait for 10 minutes.

Because the person in front of you decided to put all 38 of his items on the conveyor belt.

Because the person in front of you has the requisite 15-and-under, but has coupons for each one, and some of the coupons are expired, or for brands other than the ones she’s chosen—and she wants to argue about it.

Because the person standing in front of you “forgot one last thing—I’ll be right back!” And then proceeds to be gone for 10 minutes.

Because the person in front of you does indeed have only a few things, but has chosen to pay for the entire purchase in change, which she has to 1) wrangle throughout her purse; 2) sloooowly count out to the cashier (“you said that’s $8.23, right? Okay, so far I’ve counted out $3.79…I want to get rid of all my nickels…”) or 3) is waiting for something that a friend is bringing from another part of the store, and none too quickly.

So for the purposes of the grocery, the bank, wherever people have to wait in line and the line says Express, here’s the translation: Express means when you reach the cashier, you have the right amount of items (if the sign says 10 or less, then you have 10 or less); you are prepared to pay quickly (your checkbook, if you use one, is out; you can lay hands on your cash quickly or your debit or credit card has sufficient funds that one of Those Phone Calls doesn’t have to be made). If you’re in a bank you’ve written your deposit slip out before you reach the teller’s window. If you’re in a take-out place’s express line and the sign says “to keep it quick, no substitutions, exchanges, etc, please” take it the way they fix it or stand in the longer line.

Those of us standing behind you thank you in advance. (It’s quicker that way.)

Dear Come Correct:

I see me as a regular looking black woman--fair, but with definitely black features.  Despite this, I get asked 'so what are you, anyway?' more times than you can imagine.  Then, when I say "I'm black," I get the second insult: "no, really.  Are both your parents black?  What are you mixed with?" I'm proud to be black and I feel burdened by these people who feel as if my DNA is their business.  But is there a polite way to respond?"

Real Black Girl

Dear Real Black Girl:

Where do I start?  Been there, done that, and I've developed some responses that you're free to use.  We'll get that in a moment.  We can't control how people (including black people) think of what black is, except by broadening the example to show that black is everything. Most of us in our community know that black is a rainbow, that the dice-roll of genetics coupled with this country's legacy of slavery has resulted in every possible combination of hue and feature you can imagine.  But people who grew up with no cultural contact with us don't.  For the most part, it's a polite (and sometimes confused) inquiry--and I suspect there are more assumptions that anyone who doesn't fit the profile must be, like our President, part black.  Even when, like our President, they are fully involved and immersed in the black community.

So the short answer is I cut them some slack.  Not a lot, but some.  And the leash gets shorter with each succeeding inquiry by the same person (I told you what I am; why are we still talking about it?)  So I'm imagining a scenario for you:

So, you're really interesting-looking.  What are you anyway?

What am I?  I'm black.

Oh no--you can't be completely black--I mean, look at you!

Excuse me?

Well, it's obvious that there's something else in your family line.  Are both your parents black?

Yup.

Their parents?

Yup.  All four of them.

Hmmm....  must go back farther than that.  But it's clear to me you're not just black.  I mean, I'm darker than you!

<here's where the non-patience thing kicks in, because, really, we've gone way beyond where we needed to>

Well, maybe you have black ancestors.  You know what they say: there are no purely black or white people left in America anymore.  And just because you look like one ethnic group doesn't mean you don't have the genes of another.  Have a nice day.

(Have you or your children gotten What Are You Anyway?  How did you answer?  Holla.  Inquiring minds, etc.)