"The measure of a man's character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out." Baron Thomas Babington Macauley

And that's for good or for bad things. What we do unobserved or when we don't have to in some measure defines who we are. So to pick some pretty mundane (but not unimportant) examples, I'd say character is:

*Picking up what fell down, even if you didn't drop it.

*Returning the change when the cashier miscounts, gives you too much and doesn't notice.

*Rising to give a seat to someone who needs it more than you, even when you're tired and you're not sitting in one of those sections that's priority seating for the elderly, disabled, etc.

*Admitting fault, even when more people than you were involved.

*Being generous with sharing credit with coworkers, even when you did the bulk of the work on the project.

*defending the powerless, even when it's not your problem.

*Congratulating a friend or colleague who got the promotion, mate, financial windfall you were hoping to get.

Abraham Lincoln once observed "Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing."

What's YOUR definition of true character? Waiting...

It’s six thirty on a week night, you’ve worked through lunch and you want to throw dinner together quickly. You grab the four items you need to make your signature 10 minute pasta, rush to the Express line….and wait for 10 minutes.

Because the person in front of you decided to put all 38 of his items on the conveyor belt.

Because the person in front of you has the requisite 15-and-under, but has coupons for each one, and some of the coupons are expired, or for brands other than the ones she’s chosen—and she wants to argue about it.

Because the person standing in front of you “forgot one last thing—I’ll be right back!” And then proceeds to be gone for 10 minutes.

Because the person in front of you does indeed have only a few things, but has chosen to pay for the entire purchase in change, which she has to 1) wrangle throughout her purse; 2) sloooowly count out to the cashier (“you said that’s $8.23, right? Okay, so far I’ve counted out $3.79…I want to get rid of all my nickels…”) or 3) is waiting for something that a friend is bringing from another part of the store, and none too quickly.

So for the purposes of the grocery, the bank, wherever people have to wait in line and the line says Express, here’s the translation: Express means when you reach the cashier, you have the right amount of items (if the sign says 10 or less, then you have 10 or less); you are prepared to pay quickly (your checkbook, if you use one, is out; you can lay hands on your cash quickly or your debit or credit card has sufficient funds that one of Those Phone Calls doesn’t have to be made). If you’re in a bank you’ve written your deposit slip out before you reach the teller’s window. If you’re in a take-out place’s express line and the sign says “to keep it quick, no substitutions, exchanges, etc, please” take it the way they fix it or stand in the longer line.

Those of us standing behind you thank you in advance. (It’s quicker that way.)

Dear Come Correct:

I see me as a regular looking black woman--fair, but with definitely black features.  Despite this, I get asked 'so what are you, anyway?' more times than you can imagine.  Then, when I say "I'm black," I get the second insult: "no, really.  Are both your parents black?  What are you mixed with?" I'm proud to be black and I feel burdened by these people who feel as if my DNA is their business.  But is there a polite way to respond?"

Real Black Girl

Dear Real Black Girl:

Where do I start?  Been there, done that, and I've developed some responses that you're free to use.  We'll get that in a moment.  We can't control how people (including black people) think of what black is, except by broadening the example to show that black is everything. Most of us in our community know that black is a rainbow, that the dice-roll of genetics coupled with this country's legacy of slavery has resulted in every possible combination of hue and feature you can imagine.  But people who grew up with no cultural contact with us don't.  For the most part, it's a polite (and sometimes confused) inquiry--and I suspect there are more assumptions that anyone who doesn't fit the profile must be, like our President, part black.  Even when, like our President, they are fully involved and immersed in the black community.

So the short answer is I cut them some slack.  Not a lot, but some.  And the leash gets shorter with each succeeding inquiry by the same person (I told you what I am; why are we still talking about it?)  So I'm imagining a scenario for you:

So, you're really interesting-looking.  What are you anyway?

What am I?  I'm black.

Oh no--you can't be completely black--I mean, look at you!

Excuse me?

Well, it's obvious that there's something else in your family line.  Are both your parents black?

Yup.

Their parents?

Yup.  All four of them.

Hmmm....  must go back farther than that.  But it's clear to me you're not just black.  I mean, I'm darker than you!

<here's where the non-patience thing kicks in, because, really, we've gone way beyond where we needed to>

Well, maybe you have black ancestors.  You know what they say: there are no purely black or white people left in America anymore.  And just because you look like one ethnic group doesn't mean you don't have the genes of another.  Have a nice day.

(Have you or your children gotten What Are You Anyway?  How did you answer?  Holla.  Inquiring minds, etc.)

Dear Come Correct:

I work in an office with about 50 people in it.  We are generally pretty considerate of each other--the cultural environment is pretty invested in polite behavior and a crunchy-granola version of "do unto others"--but there are lapses.  One important one for me occurs in the women's bathroom on a daily basis, and I'm stumped as to what to do about it.

I often bump into a colleague in the ladies' room who outranks me on the organizational chart.  She is a very, very chatty person, one of those people who is always in a rush somewhere.  So she comes in, uses the bathroom, continues her conversation over the partition and, while I'm washing my hands, breezes past me with a cheery "bye!"

No, that's not a typo.  The woman does not wash her hands after using the loo!  (If it matters, it's only been for a drive-by pee, but still....)  She also doesn't always flush the toilet.  Busy, you know?

I need my job, but I need to stop acting like the bathroom attendant--I'm so grossed out by the no-hand-washing that I take a paper towel and wipe down the handle, then use another towel to grasp the handle to leave the bathroom.  Takes more time than I want to, and really, what happens when I'm not there?  Other women have commented on my executive colleague's behavior, but we don't know how to correct it without putting our jobs in danger. (When her feelings are hurt--watch out!)

So what do we do?

Not Felix Unger

Dear Not Felix:

You'd be astonished how often this happens in offices around the country!  If the person is on the same level as you--in other words, is truly a colleague--be forthright and just take a deep breath and say it: "Sally Sue, we're trying to keep healthy around here and it would be great if you'd wash your hands after you use the bathroom."  If Sally Sue protests she doesn't need to by telling you human urine is sterile (a frequent rationale used by non-washers), you can counter by saying "yup--until it hits air.  Which it does as soon as it leaves your body.  Wash your hands, girl."  Sometimes a little shame works wonders.

When the non-washer is a member of the executive staff, things get trickier.  This is where HR comes in.  Call your HR administrator and simply say "the executive director doesn't wash her hands after using the bathroom.  It's caused some comment and anxiety here--people think it's unhealthy and that they're being exposed to germs and disease--but nobody wants to get on her bad side by pointing out she should be washing.  At least a half dozen people have mentioned this to me.  I'm thinking it leaves the company liable if someone gets sick.  What can you do to help?"

The executive director will soon be washing her hands--ostentatiously--the next time you and she are in the ladies'.  Trust. Companies hate the word "liable."  And it's way easier for them to hip the executive director that hand soap is placed on the bathroom counter for a reason than it is to pay out workman's comp because one employee got hepatitis from another's unwashed hands.

Karen Grigsby Bates is a correspondent for NPR News and co-author, with Karen Elyse Hudson, of The New Basic Black: Home Training For Modern Times.  (Doubleday)