Dear White People:
You’ve been around for such a long time. And black people have been around for a long time, also, just in case you haven’t noticed. But the thing is, some of us are tired of your shenanigans. Others are Stacey Dash. Some of you are cool. Some of you are Donald Trump. So if none of this applies to you, pass it on to your fellow brethren.
There are a few things we’d like you to stop doing. They’re not complicated things. Just things that will benefit everyone in the long run. By “benefit,” we mean that once you put these suggestions to use, it’ll make you a better person. By being a better person, people will like you more. It’s a win-win situation. So just take a moment to read the list below. You’ll be glad you did.
1. Stop touching our hair. We’ve asked this about 1,000,001 times.
2. Stop talking like everything is a question. Likeeee, you know?
3. Stop bringing your dogs to restaurants. We’d rather not look at your dog lick its privates while we’re eating our lasagna.
4. Stop gentrifying “black” foods. You’ve had your fun with kale. Do not touch collard greens or sweet potatoes.
6. Stop thinking that Adele created soul music. Or Elvis. Or Justin Bieber. Or Jerry Lee Lewis. Or Justin Timberlake. Or Donny Osmond.
7. Stop screaming “reverse racism.” Go talk to Tim Wise, let him school you on that. Just an FYI: It doesn’t exist.