Move over, Grandma’s greens and Glory greens; we don’t need your greens any more. I mean, why should we, when there are Neiman Marcus collard greens? Yes, you read that correctly. Über-fancy Neiman Marcus is now selling collard greens. For just $66 plus $15 in shipping, you can get some greens with bacon bits that will be shipped to your house frozen and serve eight to 10 people.
In addition to its collard greens, maybe you’d fancy buying $80 worth of black beans?
Now I get it. Maybe your last name is Kardashian and you like to pose on Instagram with food that you’re trying to make people believe you’ve cooked. Or maybe you’re just too lazy to make a proper Thanksgiving meal yourself? But I’m not exactly sure who’d pay $66 for some greens or $80 for some beans.
Do you know how many pounds of greens you could get for $66 at a grocery store? And who’s cooking these greens? Is there some secret Neiman Marcus kitchen run by a grandmother or Paula Deen? Just like potato salad, you can’t go around eating everyone’s greens.
There’s a science to cooking greens. And I will admit, I’m more new school when it comes to my leafy vegetables. Unlike my mother and grandmother, I don’t cook them for hours at a time; 20-30 minutes tops, so they can still have some crunch, is how I like mine. But I respect the old school and would never buy prefabricated greens. I can’t even begin to imagine the conversation at the dinner table with my grandmother:
Me: Grandma, do you like my greens? I paid $66 for them from a website.
Grandma: You know what? You coulda bought me some shoes for $66 instead of these nasty-ass greens. Who made them?
Grandma: [Grabs plate, heads over to trash, dumps greens.]
I still can’t get over the $66. Somewhere, Glory is a bit upset that it’s only selling its canned greens for $1.39.