The American voter finally has confirmation of what we were thinking all along: Donald Trump doesn’t really want to be president.
All the evidence is there: He’s run a Dumpster fire of a campaign, and even though he managed to blow through 16 mealymouthed Republicans in the primaries while completely taking command of the Republican base, the moment he was catching up to Hillary Clinton last August, he self-destructed by going after a former Miss Universe, Gold Star families and his fellow Republicans. This guy was never really serious about trying to become president of the United States. His real goal? To use all of his new political fame, tweets and name recognition to start Trump TV, a 24-hour cable news network so far to the right that it makes Fox News sound like a PBS telethon.
While there has been speculation for months that Trump’s plan was to run his own TV network, there was confirmation Monday that his son-in-law was reaching out to media specialists with a plan to launch some new multimedia empire in 2017.
Fortunately, you won’t have to wait until next summer to see what Trump has planned for his network. Are these shows offensive? Probably, but hey, they’re pulled straight from the headlines and the mind of Trump itself. It may be train-wreck television, but the ratings are gonna be huuuuugggge!
1. The Apprentice: Race Wars
Can you believe it? Those stuffy old media executives at NBC all conspired against Trump when he proposed this idea for season 5 of The Apprentice, but now you can see it live on Trump TV. The Apprentice: Race Wars pits black against white for the chance to be Trump’s apprentice for a year. Mind you, if a black person somehow manages to win, Trump will probably still give the job to a white person, but African Americans should apply anyway. What have you got to lose?
2. The Real World Housewives of Donald Trump
Ivana Trump and Marla Maples move into a house together, stop being polite and start getting real. Americans can tune in every week as hidden cameras follow the struggles of Trump’s former wives and mistresses (because one usually leads to being the other). Expect catfights on ski slopes, comparisons of net worth and trips to the confessional booth, where they speculate on when Melania will join the cast.
3. Extreme Vetting: Homeland Edition
Remember how Donald Trump explained in the second debate that his “ban on Muslims” had morphed into “extreme vetting”? We’re gonna take the process out of the hands of the Washington elites and give it to the viewers! Every night, fans can vote as immigrant contestants compete in a series of challenges, both physical and mental.
You’ll be glued to your seat as contestants have to swim across rough Mediterranean waters, traverse sewage-filled rivers across the U.S.-Mexico border and outsmart human traffickers, all to face a final boardroom of Ted Cruz, Sheriff Joe Arpaio and the Donald himself, where they’ll be asked questions like, “What is Aleppo?” “Are you a rapist?” “Do you like tacos?” Did we mention that all contestants must be of Muslim or Hispanic descent?
4. Flip This House of Representatives
Tune in to the adventures of lovable all-American Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan as he tries to organize a ragtag group of Birthers, Tea Partiers and alt-right sympathizers into a functioning branch of government. Featuring a hilarious cast of characters like Joe “You Lie” Wilson (R-S.C.), Steve “KKK” Scalise (R-La.) and Mike “I have a daughter” Lee (R-Utah), this show will make you fall in love with the men and women of the 115th Congress as they scramble around, battling the ghost of Obama, occasionally passing laws and trying not to lose everything they’ve gained because they sold out to Trump.
5. Keeping Up With Katrina Pierson
She’s sassy, she’s confusing and she’s from Dallas! Watch Trump-campaign spokesperson and breakout star Katrina Pierson take the big leap from Dallas to D.C. as she tries to figure out her life post-Trump. Will she wear a necklace of fetuses or bullets to her next job interview? Will she remain in the time warp that lets her think somehow that President Barack Obama started the war in Iraq in 2004? If Insecure-meets-My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is your kind of show, KUWKP is the one for you.
6. The African Americans
Move over, Phillip and Elizabeth Jennings. The African Americans stars Ashley Bell, national director of African-American engagement for the Republican National Committee, and Omarosa Manigault, Trump surrogate, as married spies living dual lives to make America great again. By day, Bell runs the ultratrendy 20/20 club; by night he’s an operative for the Republican Party. But is his wife down with the GOP or secretly loyal to Trump? Will their daughter (played excellently by Leah LeVell) be lured away by the charismatic sermons of Pastor Darrell Scott? Will their handler Dr. Ben Carson ever open his eyes enough to give them a mission? We all know that Trump loves the blacks, so unless you’ve been shot or you’re living in hell, you can’t afford to miss this show.
7. Tic Tac Dough
It’s a race against time, dignity and safety in this fast-paced game show of quick hands and even quicker thinking, hosted by Billy Bush. Female contestants must see how long they can stand being in a private enclosed space with Trump for cash and prizes. Once “the Donald” pops his first Tic Tac, they have the chance to win cash if they can last being alone with him.
Can you snag $5,000 if you last five minutes on a private Trump jet before jumping out? Can you go for $10,000 for 10 minutes in a Trump limo before diving out into traffic? Can you take three minutes at a beauty pageant before being groped? Just read the fine print. (All contestants are not guaranteed prize money, as Donald Trump will deny having seen, met or in any way come in contact with them the moment the show airs.)
8. Locker Room Talk
Who needs ESPN’s The Sports Reporters when you’ve got Locker Room Talk? Join the conversation every Sunday as some of Trump’s closest friends in the sports world talk about women, sports and how sports helps them get women. No holds are barred and no boundaries are respected when you’ve got Trump supporters like former Major League Baseball “star” John Rocker, former wrestling great Hulk Hogan and serial abuser Mike Tyson mixing it up just like all the guys do in every locker room in America. UFC Champion and Trump supporter Holly Holm will host the show, since she might be the only one who could make it out of the green room unmolested.
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