Rescuing the President

Buckwheat and the SWAT team from the Home for Retired Racial Stereotypes have decided to free the real Barack Obama from captivity.

“But Obama doesn’t need rescuing,” I pleaded. “He just got back from an official tour of Asia and was in Portugal this weekend talking about the nuclear treaty with the Russians.”

“That ain’t the real Obama, you fool! That’s a lookalike!” squeaked Buckwheat. “The real Obama would never have disappointed his base by acting like a wimp while the Tea Party spread lies about him! He would never have renewed the Patriot Act, escalated the Afghanistan War and bailed out big banks while average people got poorer and poorer. The real Obama would have fought back and taken action!”

“That’s right,” the Kingfish added. “The real Obama been held at a secret location we just found out about since before the inauguration and replaced with an Obama android. We on our way to get him out of there now and take him back to the Oval Office!”

“But who would concoct such a nefarious scheme?” I demanded.

“Follow the money, White, and you’ll figure it out,” Buckwheat squeaked back at me.

After a moment’s thought, my skepticism about the famous Our Gang character’s strange story faded away. “Well, you certainly will deserve the gratitude of the nation if you succeed,” I said. “They will probably give you the Congressional Medal of Honor!”

“Oh, we can’t let this go public,” the Kingfish admonished. “The only way you’ll know whether we accomplished the mission is if the president starts acting like a leader, standing up to the Tea Party, and taking big steps to help people get back to work and keep their houses out of foreclosure. That’s when you’ll know the real Obama back in the Oval Office — when he starts acting like he’s the Man!”

Buckwheat snapped a salute, and then he and the Kingfish barreled into the Humvee, which shot away from the curb like a racing car.

The last thing I heard him shout as the car roared away was, “Stereotypes, lock and load!”

Jack White is a regular contributor to The Root.

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