Argh! Pirates and the Caribbean

This week, President Barack Obama partied like it’s 1699.

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Despite the prevalence of protest swag like the popular “Chairman Mao-bama” T-shirts, event organizers insist that no one involved was worthy of being on the Department of Homeland Security’s new watch list. 

The self-styled “tea-baggers” (apparently, not a single one of these folks subscribes to Penthouse Forum) might be dismayed to learn that they have a lot in common with the Million Man Marchers of 1995: They valiantly exercised their right to free expression, and by this time next week, most people won’t remember them at all.

Don’t Ta’zir Me, Bro

Just think. If George W. Bush hadn’t cut taxes during wartime, we might have been able to fund some really gruesome forms of torture.

What bugs us more? The agony inflicted on insect-phobic Al-Qaeda suspect Abu Zubaida by placing him in a box with caterpillars or the thought that one of our own guys spent quality time coming up with this idea in the first place?

These guys ever heard of just a plain-old ass-whupping?

And while the rest of the world is understandably outraged, this time they need to let Americans sift through this on our own. The Obama administration needs to find a way to politely decline Spain’s “offer” to prosecute Bush administration officials for their roles in sanctioning torture at Guantanamo—just like Spaniards probably wish their former Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar had said, “thanks, but no thanks” to George W. Bush’s invitation to join the “Coalition of the Willing.”

Pirates, Yes ... But No “Chowder and Iced Tea”

Blackbeard’s ghost trolled the Atlantic to fund his penchant for “rum, song and an occasional wench.” But today’s pirates aren’t as friendly or musical as the ones from, and teenagers don’t hijack oceanliners because they’re tired of playing Nintendo Wii. Compared to Somalia, our 10 percent unemployment probably sounds like a paradise, so the recent uptick in piracy isn’t going away as long as joining up with a band of pirates is the Somali equivalent of joining the Navy. “Accelerate Your Life,” indeed.