Our Man in the White House

Jack White returns to the Home for Retired Racial Stereotypes to find out about Obama's secret weapon.


Noticing the confused look on my face, he continued. “I’m gonna switch to standard English to make sure you understand what I’m trying to tell you.”

He looked around to make sure no one could overhear his whisper.

“Bush is really down with the brothers, and he understands white people’s attitudes. He figured that the only way one of us could win would be to mess things up so much that white folks would decide they had nothing to lose if they put a black man in the White House!”

“You’re saying Bush deliberately screwed up the country to give a black candidate a better chance to become president,” I replied incredulously.

“That’s right,” Buckwheat replied. “And Bush, God bless his soul, delivered more than we ever expected.”

As his excitement mounted, he relapsed into Ebonics and began to shout.

“He de wurst Prez-ah-dent ‘n his’try. He done such a bad job, ‘most any Demercrat cud beat ‘most any ‘publican in dis here ‘lection. Even ah black one! Dat white man throwed hissse’f on de bonfire of his’try to give ah black man uh bedder chance to make his’try! We owes him our eternal thanks for his selfless sacrifice!”

“Didn’t you think Obama could win it on his own?” I interjected, flabbergasted.

“We wuzzn’t takin’ no chances,” said Buckwheat. “Obama de best ‘n’ brightest candidate to come along ‘n a long, long time. But he ain’t got no idea dat Bush is doin’ all dis stuff to he’p him.”

“John McCain’s going to be furious when he finds out that Bush betrayed him,” I said.