Confessions of a Bad Dad on the Eve of His 2nd Child

Sometimes I’m just not good at my job.

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As my wife and I careen into the last few weeks of her pregnancy and prepare for life with our new little girl, it’s beginning to dawn on me just how bad a job I’ve been doing as a parent for our first daughter. Four, almost five, years into the game, and I’m finally coming to grips with the fact that, as a dad, I’m not very good at my job sometimes.

So, in the spirit of clearing the slate for this new life to come, I feel like I owe it to my eldest to confess my sins and seek something like forgiveness for being a s–tty, although involved, dad. So, in the spirit of Usher Raymond, these are my parental confessions (although imagine me as DMX on the cover of Flesh of My Flesh), laying myself bare for your judgment.

I’ve exploited my child’s illiteracy for my own gain. Throughout my life, I’ve had to use a variety of ruses as tools to get my way, get what I want or get out of a jam. Most of the time, when I had to run game, I was dealing with adults with some modicum of education who required a lot of thought to pull off a con. Then God gifted me with this little person, who came into this world knowing essentially nothing. But most importantly, this lil bama doesn’t quite know how to read yet.

Man, is that liberating. Driving down the street and you see a sign for a fast-food place she recognizes? I tell her that the sign says it’s closed and she just can’t read it. At the store and she’s getting ready to get her Ezell on for some cookies or some chips? Flip that bag over and tell her, “Oh no, these say they’re spoiled,” then keep on truckin’.

And then there’s my favorite move: when she pulls out that long-ass bedtime story to try to prolong the magic and keep from going to sleep (bruh, there’s this book that’s called Grandfather Gandhi that’s like the goddamn Odyssey for children), I skip pages and make up a new story on the spot. What’s she gonna do; stop you? She can’t read, and I know the jig is gonna be up any day now, so I might as well get it in while I can.

I’m pretty sure I’m gonna pay for this when she gets a neck tattoo that I’m forced to read for the rest of my life. I’m sorry.

When I’m in the car with my kid, I listen to unedited versions of albums. This, for me, is a matter of principle. As a person who has grown up on and with hip-hop as the pre-eminent musical form, I feel like there’s a value to the integrity of the music as a whole song. That means production, sampling and lyrics. There’s a profundity in the profanity in Ready to Die, and if you were to edit Straight Outta Compton, it would lose its worth.

Now, I’m not saying that I’m in the car with my shorty listening to some trap s–t or blasting “No Limit Soldiers” on the way to school every morning (I wait to drive off for that). But when we listen to the classics like Aquemini or Things Fall Apart or Good Kid, M.A.A.D City, we’re gonna listen to those albums the way nature intended. With the cusswords. Yeah, I’m probably spending more time stepping over the lyrics telling my kid, “Don’t say ‘muthaf–ka’ at school,” but it’s for the art, man.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to turn out for the worse when, at some point, she has both the classroom and street vernacular available to tell me why I can’t see my grandkids. I’m sorry.

I told my daughter that an ex-girlfriend was a witch. True story: A few months ago I bumped into an ex at Whole Foods. When she walked away, my daughter asked who she was and I just blurted out, “She’s a witch and she’s probably here to get ingredients for a stew made of children.”

The thing is, if you know this woman, I may or may not be stretching the truth.  Jussayin’.

I’m pretty sure this is gonna be a problem when my daughter figures out all my shortcomings like my ex did. I’m sorry.

I’ve given my child to a stranger to take her to the bathroom. Aiight, this is one that my wife still hasn’t forgiven me for, but bear with me.

Me and the fellas went to a sports bar to watch football and took the kids with us because fatherhood. My daughter, as kids are wont to do, decided that she had to pee, and since this was a sports bar, they had no family restroom and the men’s room looked like what would happen if a Little Caesars pizza and a bottle of E&J had a love child gestated in a vagrant’s innards. It was nasty and I was at a loss. That was until a kindly white lady came along and asked me if I needed help and offered to take her to the ladies’ room for me. It was like a miracle. It was awesome.

Then I told my wife and she got mad. Like, this woman might have stolen the kid. First off, I was standing by the door the whole time, and secondly, I was raised on ’80s television where rich white people adopting little black kids was presented as a viable path for personal advancement, so it might’ve been a comeup.

I’m guessing that I’m gonna regret this when my daughter is the only woman at Spelman to pledge Zeta Tau Alpha. I’m sorry.