To the Men Who Are Hating on Ciara for Getting Engaged: Get Over It 

She Matters: Stop being mad because the single mom found an upgrade to a bad ex.

Russell Wilson and Ciara 
Russell Wilson and Ciara  FRANCK FIFE/AFP/Getty Images

Ciara’s been in the entertainment scene for over a decade, since she was introduced as the oddly titled princess of “Crunk & B” on her debut single, “Goodies,” in 2004. She’s had a few high-profile relationships. In 12 years, I can name three, maybe four men she’s dated. One includes Nayvadius “Future” Cash, her former fiance and the father of her son, also Future. 

Her current beau and new fiance (as of Friday) is Russell Wilson, an NFL quarterback who took her to the White House on an early date, occasionally pushes her son’s stroller and seems genuinely happy, based on pictures, to have Ciara and her son in his life. By all accounts, he’s an upgrade, which isn’t all that hard when your ex is the type of guy who publicly calls you “a bitch.”

All in all, to me, Ciara seems like a nice woman without any real controversy (other than her ex, who likes to put their business in the streets). And she’s hardly worthy of the ire she’s drawn in some circles from those who think that she—as well as single mothers like her—is undeserving of Wilson. 

From what I can make of the negative memes and the butthurt-status updates about her, there are people—mostly men—who believe that because Ciara has previously been linked to rappers, and her child is by one, she’s of a lower status among women.

For these men, who evidently never got “the girl,” Ciara is the embodiment of the type of woman who ignores “good men” (like them, of course), the one who makes poor life choices, then looks for the type of man she ignored to come clean up her mess. She’s the “disrespectful ho”—a  slur assigned based, I think, on the fact that she’s dated several rappers, is a single mom and dating a man who seems to treat her child like his own (as any man who dates a single mother is supposed to)—that a naive Wilson is mistakenly trying to turn into a housewife. Never mind that Wilson, 27, who got divorced after a two-year marriage, can’t be that naive about relationships.

All to which I say, “Huh?” 

There seems to be a popular—though completely b.s.—notion that dictates that single mothers should be single for eternity;  that because they had a child out of wedlock, they are unworthy of love from anyone of substance and should be doomed to a life of dating flaky men who will never marry them or even claim them. Their children should never be accepted by any man, perhaps even including the children’s own father. And their single motherhood is solely their fault for having premarital sex and not requiring a man to marry them first. There’s never a word asking why the man they conceived the child with didn’t use a condom or why he didn’t ask for marriage or force the issue before conception or immediately after learning of such. Everything about how women become single mothers rests solely on the mother. 

With a genuine interest, I’m trying to figure out what Ciara did wrong to attract so much hatred. She dated some rappers in her 20s. OK. As a culture, we seem to have no problem with men who date video vixens and Instagram models with no other discernible income throughout their first decade of adulthood. I mean, where are the memes about men who obsess over strippers and how it will make them unsuitable husbands to a decent woman (whatever that means)? They don’t exist. So why is a woman who is dating cute (and rich) men—who are also entertainers, just as she is—such an issue? Oh, because she’s a woman and women are “supposed to … ” To what? Always make perfect decisions? Only date to find a husband? Only date guys no one knows? Help me out here. 

She became a mom with a man she planned to marry. It didn’t work out. She moves on, even made a song about it. And as she sang she would, she found a man who seems to adore her and treats her kid well. Isn’t that what a responsible, dating mother is supposed to do? Or was she not supposed to date at all because “good” mothers don’t date? Was she supposed to have a man in her life who didn’t treat her and her child well? Oh. I got it. She was supposed to stay tethered to a dysfunctional man to keep her family intact.