You can say many things about Ben Carson, the back-ordered, decaffeinated coffee machine who recently dropped out of the presidential race. Iconic surgeon. Popeyes enthusiast. Vigilante. Black History Month book-report muse. Delusional motherf–ker. But one thing you cannot do is doubt his blackness bona fides. Yes, his actual politics, if enacted, would have put America back to 1953. But let’s forget about that for a moment. Instead, just think about all the times he reminded us he was black as f–k.
There were the multiple times he appeared to be barely conscious while giving speeches, appearing on TV, waiting to walk onstage and just, like, standing there. Which reminded black America of every middle-aged dad or uncle asked to do something and doing what he’s asked to do but emitting a barely concealed contempt through his body language at you for asking him to do something while Criminal Minds was on.
There was the time he allowed the national anthem to be delivered by his wife, a (presumably) lovely woman whose voice can best be described as “bless her heart.” Which is no different from well-meaning black people volunteering friends and family members to sing church solos who have no business volunteering to sing anywhere outside of showers and empty Priuses.
And, there was the time he installed a portrait of himself and Black Klingon Jesus at a YMCA sauna—a Rajon Rondo-handed Black Klingon Jesus with circa 2003 Katt Williams hair—in his home, which might actually be the blackest thing ever done by anyone anywhere.
Now it’s being reported that he only endorsed Donald Trump because of a potential job hookup. Which … well. Let’s just say I know I’m not the only one who pretended to listen to and enjoy a mixtape produced by a bouncer at a club I used to frequent because I knew mentioning it to him would get me in free.
From Think Progress:
Carson told the conservative online site NewsMax TV on Monday that he backed Trump based on a practical calculus.
‘I didn’t see a path for [John] Kasich, who I like, or for [Marco] Rubio, who I like. As far as [Ted] Cruz is concerned, I don’t think he’s gonna be able to draw independents and Democrats unless he has some kind of miraculous change. … Is there another scenario that I would have preferred? Yes. But that scenario isn’t available.’ Pressed to clarify, Carson said he meant he’d prefer to have backed one of the other candidates.
Carson then said that Trump had promised him a role in his administration, ‘certainly in an advisory capacity.’ Asked by NewsMax’s Steve Malzberg whether this meant a cabinet position, Carson declined to ‘reveal any details about it right now, because all of this is still very liquid.’
Now, what position could he have possibly been offered? Is there a Secretary for the State of Narcolepsy post I’m unaware of? An HNICOC (Head N–ga in Charge of Chicken)? Does Trump need a pair of truly #GiftedHands to fix his toupee? Who knows? I do know that I’m going to kinda, sorta miss black-ass Ben Carson, the proverbial uncle in the back room watching Matlock who only leaves his chair to eat dinner and attend high school class reunions.