How to Protect Yourself From the Flood of White Tears That’ll Come if the Panthers Win the Super Bowl

If Cam Newton leads his team to victory, you’d better be prepared for the deluge.

Cam Newton 
Cam Newton  Grant Halverson/Getty Images

In the book of Genesis, God—apparently fed up with humans for acting like … humans—decided to start humanity from scratch by flooding the entire earth. Which proves, again, that God is truly the alpha and the omega of everything. Including being petty.

Humanity eventually recovered from this flood—thanks in large part to Noah, who was aware the flood was coming and prepared for it, saving his family and countless animals from drowning to death because God was kinda annoyed.

Noah was smart. And it would behoove us to be as smart as Noah because another great flood is coming and we will all die, too, if we’re not prepared.

On Sunday the Denver Broncos will play the Carolina Panthers in the Super Bowl. The Carolina Panthers feature a fearsome defense and, in Cam Newton, perhaps the most physically gifted quarterback ever to play. They are favored to win. And if the rest of the season to this point is any indication, Cam Newton will do Cam Newton things. These include smiling, dapping, dabbing, dancing, preening, talking, laughing, scoring, dominating and, of course, winning. There is a considerable chance that, if they win, he will be named MVP.

And if all of this happens—and, again, there’s a considerable chance that it will—we will encounter a downpour of white tears that’ll rival any rain that has ever fallen on the earth’s soil. The skyeth will open uppeth, and downwardth will the salty tears bounceth on our heads. Streets and fields alike will be overcometh; no one—man nor beast; fair nor foul—will be saved. We may all expire in the white-tears tempest.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be this way. We do not all have to perish under the avalanche of sodium-infused white tears that will rain from the skies if the Panthers win and Newton performs well. Especially since we’re very aware already of Newton’s preternatural ability to induce them. Anyone who awakens Monday morning foolish enough to be unprepared for the flood probably deserves to succumb to it.

Anyway, if you are a smart person and you do feel the need to prepare but don’t know how, here are a few things you might be able to do to give yourself a better chance of surviving the great flood.

1. Build an ark.

I know, I know, I know. It’s already Thursday afternoon. You have happy-hour plans today, day-party plans Saturday, and Netflix and “OK, you brought General Tso’s shrimp, so I guess you can spend the night tonight” plans Saturday night. When will you even have the time to build an ark in such a short period of time?

To answer that, I advise that you do what I do whenever I need something built in a short period of time:

Comments