The holidays are finally over! You’ve had to endure nearly two months of interacting with “family” that fondly remember changing your diapers when you were 22 months old, while simultaneously fondly forgetting that $500 you lent them when you were 22 years old.
Oh, and there are also those longtime hometown “friends” that you duck into the dairy freezer to avoid while on a begrudging “get Grandma some Icy Hot” trip to Wal-Mart. You can avoid these characters in the real world with a bit of guile and a convenient “New phone; who’s this?” excuse, but there’s one place where the villains of the world are unavoidable: Facebook.
The Internet in general is a dark and twisted place. Insidious ads disguise themselves as slideshow articles, faux x’s float around the periphery of browser windows waiting to ensnare your computer with a virus, and YouTube comments can make any sane black person consider whether he should pack up his things and get to Garveying back to the Motherland.
But what makes Facebook villains so insidious is that they are the distilled, purified, nonanonymous versions of all the Internet f–kery that pollutes our earth. These people are why comments are moderated. These people are why full-page advertisements block entire blog posts.
Remember when Agent Smith got out of the Matrix and into dude with the beard? This is like that but in reverse.
That guy blaring DMX out of his coat jacket on a crowded bus? He just jacked into the Matrix, and you know him.
Like any good hero, you want to redeem the misguided. You knew them before they fell into the bottomless abyss of the dark side. But beware of the turned. They lack either couth or self-awareness or have completely depleted their reservoir of f–ks.
These are Facebook villains and how to defeat them.
1. Aunt Adventure
This woman became a villain by accident, like Mr. Freeze or Al Sharpton. Prior to social media, she was a mother, a sister, an aunt, but now she’s an uncomfortably vocal Scandal fan. Social media has transformed this mild-mannered woman into a bizarro She-Hulk. Without a functioning understanding of Twitter, she posts on Facebook with wanton abandon, destroying the mental peace of her children by sharing tasteless memes and announcing that, despite his ain’t-s–tness, “Terrence Howard is still fine.” Emboldened by friends in her age group, who also have never learned any sort of social media etiquette, Aunt Adventure will bombard you with every thought that no one asked for.
Suggestion: Hide from the feed. Feign ignorance of activities when met in real life.
2. Harvey Hotep
This brother found God. But not the same God you’ve been kicking it with since ’87. Only he can send DMs to God’s verified account, and he will let you know it. He will also let you know that he eats only what he grows from the great Mother Earth.
Did you know that if you fast for one day a week for seven years, you will have not eaten for an entire year over that span? He knew that s–t. Did the math himself with a bamboo abacus.
Also, women, remember that you are queens, so get ready for a life of regal subservience and a house that reeks of various oils.
Suggestion: Comment on a post. Get him to acknowledge that African Americans are primarily from West Africa, not Egypt. Cognitive dissonance will cause him to block you or take a break from social networking.