He Did What to Your Phone?! Aw, Girl, It’s Over

Ask Demetria: When you reach the point in the relationship when your man is urinating on your property, it’s time to go.

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Dear Demetria:

My man [and I] got in a heated argument and [it] got pretty loud. Fine. The next day, I was looking for my phone and found it in a weird spot. It smelled like [urine]! I asked my boyfriend about it and he admitted that he [urinated] on my phone because he was mad. Yes!! He said I am overreacting because it still works. The end? —Anonymous

This is a wrap. Done-done. Over. Finito. For good.

If it makes you feel any better at all—and it probably doesn’t, but I’ll share anyway—this is not the first time I’ve heard a variation of this story ... this month. A woman wrote in mid-July to ask this:

Just discovered that the guy I’ve been dating for a couple of months and that I really really really like isn’t “potty trained”!! I ended up bleaching my toilet (and the floor around [it]) while he was still in my living room. That’s how bad it was.

There must be a way around this. Like a movie!! Please, tell me you know a movie with a “potty training” scene or even an article. We could have two bathrooms in our house ... Who am I kidding? What do you think is the nicest way to break things off? Especially as things were going really well ... ?

Now, why she was cleaning his urine off the floor when he was sitting in the living room is still unclear to me. If anyone should have been cleaning up, it should have been him. It’s his bodily fluid.

Since she didn’t mention that he was drunk or ill, we’re left to assume that he was capable of cleaning and, further, that this was no accident done by a person who was physically impaired. This was just a sober human behaving horribly. And there was no salvaging that situation, either. Why she felt she had to be nice about breaking it off is equally confusing.

In my response to that woman, I guessed that the guy was upset with her about something, probably sex—or, rather, lack thereof—or some kind of rejection. Her story was also not the first time I’d heard of a man urinating as an act of aggression.

Years ago, a friend of a friend was invited to a wedding by a guy she was really into. Post-wedding, on the ride home, the guy asked her to be his girlfriend. She declined. When he dropped her off, he asked to use her bathroom, and he urinated everywhere he could spray up. It was revenge for being rejected.

In the most recent case, I guessed correctly about what the guy was upset about. He’d asked the woman when they were going to have sex, and she told him she wanted to wait until she was in a committed relationship to have sex, which is an entirely reasonable response (not that a woman needs any reason whatsoever to have or not have sex). He was angry. And then, well, he peed.

It wasn’t an accident. Civilized adults who have accidents clean it up as quickly as possible. They don’t return to the living room, mention nothing and leave their mess as a “surprise!” to be discovered and cleaned up by someone else.

Your account of your guy’s behavior is the first time I’ve heard someone urinating on an object—but probably won’t be the last. What kind of adult urinates on things in anger? I’ll tell you what kind: an uncivilized one, the kind you need to run from.

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