He Did What to Your Phone?! Aw, Girl, It’s Over

Ask Demetria: When you reach the point in the relationship when your man is urinating on your property, it’s time to go.

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Last year Uzo Aduba, the actress who plays inmate Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren on Orange Is the New Black, gave an interview in which she discussed a standout scene in which her character urinates on the floor of the prison in anger and to mark her territory. Initially the actress was reluctant because urinating in anger is the height of crass, but then she changed her mind. She explains why here:

When I think about how these women have lost so many things and been stripped of so many civilized ways of existing—you know, how we exist outside of the prison system all “civilized,” and we cross the T’s and I’s and everything is dotted, yeah? But in the system, they’re stripped down to their primal and animalistic selves, and if you’re existing in a culture like that, then yeah, of course it makes sense.

In prison, when you’ve been stripped of everything, it may make sense. In the outside world, using urine as a weapon is just plain uncivilized and a sign that your man wasn’t properly socialized. All the men I’ve described here need a mop and a therapist—and to be single. No woman should put up with this behavior. If you accept this, know that he will do so much more that will blow your mind 10 times more than this. The pee is just the beginning.

One more thing: When I respond to queries about men behaving badly, I get a lot of mail from men who are upset that I am being one-sided and throwing them under the bus. This is me acknowledging that urinating in anger is not solely a male phenomenon.

I mentioned your query on Instagram, and several readers responded with personal stories about men who had urinated (or spit) in anger, and so did one woman who said that she urinated on her ex-husband’s church clothes. She asked me to email her to get the complete story, so I did.

The short version: She caught her husband with another woman, and he had their child around the other woman. She went off:

I could not contain my anger. I slapped and scratched him. I yanked the gold chains off of his neck and kicked the side-view mirrors off his car. He pulled off. I ran back in the house. He played the drums for a church in [redacted] and had a very nice church wardrobe. So after I threw the drums all over the basement floor and busted a couple, I was still very mad. I yanked a good majority of his very nice suit jackets from hanging up and threw them on the floor and peed all over them.

The next day he put his clothes in the cleaners. I don’t think he ever got over me peeing on his clothes. He would say/joke later that I was crazy. I told him next time would be [worse].

Heed that warning from someone who has urinated in anger. And run.

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life and the upcoming Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at askdemetria@theroot.com.

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