My Man’s BFF Is a Woman, and They Seem a Little Too Close

Ask Demetria: It’s possible that men and women can be friends, but the question is, can he put you first in the relationship?

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The amount of unnecessary chatter between the former couple who were calling themselves friends now struck me as odd. Of course, the parents of the child need to speak, but every single night and not necessarily about the child, when they were both in relationships?

That’s when he got honest. He admitted that he was still in love with the child’s mother. He liked his girlfriend; he loved the mother of his child. She was unavailable, so he had decided, essentially, to settle, and he wanted to work things out with the woman he was with since he couldn’t have the woman he wanted.

This situation probably would have continued for who knows how long, except the girlfriend made an unreasonable demand. The man asked her to dinner to apologize for all the Skype-ing with his child’s mother, his “friend.” He wanted to know how he could make things right. The girlfriend demanded he cease contact with the child’s mother and the kid, an unfathomable request.

They broke up that night.

The same night, the guy is on Skype saying good night to his kid, and as usual, asks to speak to the mom. He doesn’t have a relationship to lose, and his feelings get the best of him. He tells his “friend” that he’s still in love with her. She gets off the computer—and then she calls back in the wee hours of the night to say she feels the same way. He says he wants to be with her. She says she and the child will move to where he is, only if he agrees to get married. She says she is over being a “baby mama.”

This was in October. The same guy emailed me last week to say that he was on his honeymoon and he and his wife had brought the child along with them to celebrate the reunion.

I tell you all this to say that you may need to have a serious conversation with your man about whether he ever dated his friend, whether he ever wanted to and if he wants to now. You also need to watch how he responds when you ask him to establish boundaries and put you, essentially, in the top spot over his friend. If he’s unable to do so, you should step aside and go find someone who can put you first and let him go be with whom he really seems to want. 

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of the upcoming book Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at