An 8-Year-Old’s Lost Virginity

His Side: Rather than snickering or tsk-tsking, we should use Chris Brown's story as a learning opportunity to better understand young boys and sex.

Generic image (Thinkstock)
Generic image (Thinkstock)

I have a 3-year-old niece, and I certainly would be shocked and scared if the word “sex” ever came out of her mouth. But the point is, a conversation should be happening sooner rather than later. Who knows what preschoolers are picking up around others outside of the home?

Three-year-olds will become 8 in no time, the same age of many kids Kyle Bacon helps as the mentor program coordinator at U.S. Dream Academy in Washington, D.C. He says some kids have their innocence still intact, but many of them don’t. “I’ve heard everything from kids having threesomes to oral sex,” he says. “And these are fourth graders.”

Such cases would sound extreme only to outsiders who aren’t familiar with the social dynamics of places like Tappahannock, Va., where Chris Brown was raised. The word “abuse” or even “rape” would sound extreme only to insiders who come from places where having sex well below the age of consent is common behavior. As Brown said, it’s “different” where he’s from, but it’s a lot more common than even he or anyone else may think.

Of course, I’m only speaking from my experience and what I observed as a black man who was once a black boy growing up around other black boys. Precocious sexuality isn’t unique to black folks, and God knows, we’ve been stereotyped about our sexuality for far too long. (There are few statistics out there addressing this, but the Kinsey Institute places the average age for sexual activities among blacks of both genders at 15.8, compared to 16.6 for whites.) As black parents, aunts and uncles, we need to make sure that our children are being protected — and that they understand that they have a right to say no to sex. And why they should say no.

David Walton is a director of student affairs at a school in San Jose, Calif. He works with students as young as 9. Where he works, students are taught sex education in seventh grade, with permission given by parents. But he has also seen many times where a discussion about sex needs to happen with kids much sooner because of special circumstances, circumstances that are familiar to him.

“I wasn’t 8 when I lost my virginity, but I was 12,” he says. “I understand where Chris Brown is coming from, because growing up in Mississippi, if you didn’t have a girlfriend or you weren’t at least making out in the fourth or fifth grade, something was wrong with you.

“Imagine what sex does to your psyche, and you’re a kid, having sex with an older woman,” says Walton, who is now a happily married father of two. “The same way they say weed is a gateway drug and it makes you want to chase the next high, things just escalated and got crazier after that. It’s like when you’re in college, and you date a fine girl, the next girl you date, you want her to be even more fine, but imagine what that does to you as a young man, if that’s the life you’ve been exposed to since before you were a teenager.”

For kids, sex is nothing more than a game, in some cases literally. Walton recalls how a round of hide-and-seek would quickly turn into a game of hide-and-go-get it. I knew exactly what game he was talking about, where a group of girls will hide, and guys will look for them, and if we find them, we’re going to make out. No one had to play if they didn’t want to play, but looking back on it now, I’m not sure everyone who participated did so because they wanted to.

Which is why states have consent laws in the first place.

But what do kids know about consent? Nothing. Kids need to be taught the law, just like they’re told it’s illegal to drive before a certain age, smoking under the age of 18 is prohibited and they can’t drink until they’re 21. Why not tell them that it’s against the law for them to have sex — and there are consequences if they break the law? When I was 8, my mother put the fear of God in me about having sex. I knew it was wrong, but if a girl wanted to make a man out of me, I would’ve gone for it, just like Chris Brown did. But maybe if I knew it was against the law, that would’ve stopped me.

We are all taught sex is wrong, but we’re not told why, beyond fear of pregnancy or disease. We need to be taught that having sex at a young age is to become a victim of emotional damage that can have long-term consequences. Someone needs to let kids know that sex at age 8 is not only wrong, it’s against the law — and it’s also not normal.

Jozen Cummings is a contributing editor at  The Root. His new column, His Side, brings us men’s perspectives on the latest events in news and pop culture. He is a writer for the New York Post, where he covers the blind date column, Meet Market, and writes for his own blog, Until I Get Married. Follow him on Twitter. He can be reached at