How Do I Get Better at Sex?

Ask Demetria: Being proactive is the first step to creating fireworks in the bedroom.

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In the bedroom — or wherever you and your partner like to get it on — ask your partner to be explicitly vocal about what he likes so you’ll have cues about what works best for him. Use his verbal cues to figure out what he enjoys the most, and whatever that is, do it more often and with more enthusiasm. Ask him to take the same approach with you.

There’s also an option that seems to baffle some people when I suggest it: Take a sex class. For anything else that people don’t know, seeking instruction is a logical step, but when it comes to sex, some find it taboo. It shouldn’t be. 

A few months ago, I signed up for a class, “How to Have Better Sex,” being held at one of my local sex shops. I did it partially because it was a work assignment — plus I was wildly curious about what went on there. Would it be like a junior high biology class that focused on how parts work, or would it get to the nitty-gritty of how parts are best pleasured?

Turns out the answer was both. The instructors quickly ran through the basics of anatomy so we all knew what there was to work with, where everything was located and which nerve endings were the most sensitive. Then they got into the tips and tricks of how to best please your partner (and/or yourself), which took up most of the class. It was well worth the price.

My only complaint about the class, which has nothing to do with the instruction, was the lack of men in attendance. Of the 30 or so participants, just two were men, who had shown up with their wives. Hopefully, men are finding ways to improve their performance — because sex is something at which both sexes should be striving to be better — in a more hands-on route and not just assuming they know it all.

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at