So You Want to Be a Relationship Expert!

Trivial advice and Twitter can turn you into the next Steve Harvey or Keith Sweat in no time.

Keith Sweat (Rick Diamond/Getty Images); Steve Harvey (Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
Keith Sweat (Rick Diamond/Getty Images); Steve Harvey (Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

5. “You’re nobody until somebody marries you.” Lucky for you, women are already bred to believe that finding a man, keeping a man and marrying that man is their sole purpose in life, so half the work has been done for you. For black women, who experience high rates of single motherhood (54 percent of black children in America live in single-parent homes), it is helpful to beat them over the head with this point to show them how badly they need your help and guidance. Dangle the promise of a wedding ring in front of their noses like a carrot before a horse so they’ll follow you anywhere and pay you anything to get it.

Sure, you could preach to men about the merits of marrying the women they love, but why? Remember: This isn’t about men. It’s about women and how everything is their fault. Instruct your critics to address all hate mail to Eve in the Garden of Eden. Shame is a profitable tool; properly used, many black women will internalize this message and even help you in your plight.

6. Be clever! People love colorful language. If you’re witty enough, they may just ignore the stupidity in what it is that you’re saying. Tweeting the occasional corny one-liner is a great way to get people on your side (extra points if it rhymes!).  And if the entire Internet doesn’t fall at your feet the first time, tweet it again. And again. And again.

7. Ignore your dissenters. Undoubtedly, you’ll amass quite a collection of people who may disagree with you or ask you to clarify or defend your points (known colloquially as “haters”). The way to deal with them: Don’t. Take extra care only to engage those who agree with everything you say; those who demand common sense and substance clearly do not have your best interest at heart. A hit dog will always holler — if anyone has anything dissenting to say, then you’ve clearly touched a nerve. Or, you’ve just said something stupid. Either way, don’t acknowledge that and mess up a good thing.

8. Go crazy! Forget who you may be hurting with your divisive, one-sided, sexist advice. Controversy is what will get you those retweets and, eventually, that book deal. So once you have a good following, go all in. The crazier the better. Here are some ideas:

* A real woman sleeps in her makeup just in case her man sees her in his dreams.
* “Woman is more aggressive and assertive, but when you love her correctly she recoils to her natural form as Adam’s rib.”
* Don’t buy your woman too many shoes; she just might walk out of your life.
* “Ladies: Carry dignity and respect everywhere you go! Leave carrying condoms to the women who need it everywhere they go.”
* If he hasn’t given you his Facebook password, he hasn’t really given you the password to his heart.
* “Ladies’ Tip: Your little black dress will win every argument.”

The possibilities are endless!

Now you’ve got the basics. Go start a Twitter account, take a picture of yourself looking smart with your fist under your chin and hit the tweets running! You’ll be as successful as Keith Sweat in no time.

Tracy Clayton is a writer and humorist from Louisville, Ken. Check out her website,

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