I’m Taken but Want to Get Back With My Ex

Ask Demetria: Whether or not to cheat is easy to answer. Making the right choice may be harder.

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You dated your ex for a few months and haven’t seen him in years, so really, you’ve gotten to know him over the phone. That’s less tricky than online, where people can be anyone they create, but it’s still entirely possible to be “catfished.”

Even if he is straight up with you, you don’t get to see him day to day to know if his habits and quirks and lifestyle are actually what you’re looking for. And because you’re unhappy in your relationship, you may be projecting all the things you’re missing at home onto this distant “friend” as a sort of escapism from your reality. Be careful not to go rushing into the arms of your ex, hoping that he’ll immediately pick up where you’ve left off with your partner.

If you honestly believe that your both being in Hawaii is a sign and you really want to explore this situation, do it the right way — again, by breaking up with your current partner. And really, you shouldn’t have entered into a relationship, given your strong feelings for your phone buddy. But no matter what you decide about Hawaii, you need to give some deeper thought to what you want to do about your current relationship.

If you’re unhappy, you — and your partner — need to work on repairing the relationship, and that doesn’t happen when you’re on the phone with your ex, whom you have feelings for and are fantasizing about having sex with on the Big Island. In order for your relationship to have a shot, the ex has got to go. And if you don’t want to work on it, then you need to go. You’re wasting your pretty and his time just to be with someone when your heart and mind are no longer in it.

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at askdemetria@theroot.com.

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