I Want to Sell My Home. Why Is He Mad?

Ask Demetria: Putting up the house that you share can cost you more than money.

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(The Root) --

"My fiance is mad because I'm putting my house that we live in on the market, simply because I bought it, and I would like us to buy something together. Yet I can tell he's crazy insecure with it being mine. I feel I can't win. Advice?" --R.T.

Ma'am, your fiance has every right to be "mad" -- furious, even -- and pissed off to the highest level. What you are attempting to do is just dead wrong.

Let me make this plain so there's no misunderstanding: You cannot sell this house without him being on board and still expect him to be your fiance, much less your man. If you sell it and he leaves -- which he is likely to do -- everyone but you will understand why he did. 

You're treating your fiance as if he's your son. He is not your kid. He is your man. And not just some random man, but the man whose ring you accepted when he asked you to build a life with him. He is the man you invited to live in your home as you both plan your marriage ceremony.

He's done his part to show you that he is serious about committing to you and building a life with you. If, at this point, you honestly do not feel that he deserves the courtesy of having you take into consideration his objection to your selling the house where he also lives, then you do not need to marry him -- or, for that matter, anyone else.

I understand that your name is on the mortgage, and technically it is your home. You are very correct about that. However, he is your fiance and you live together. You are trying to make an "I" decision when you are in a "we" partnership.

Now, technically, yes, you are single, as in unmarried, but you've accepted a marriage proposal, and you are living like husband and wife, which allegedly you soon will be. This means that your fiance -- who, I am sure, has been splitting the bills on the house since he moved in, if not paying the bills outright -- gets a say in where the two of you will live.

He could be the type of guy who isn't comfortable with his woman doing something for herself that he can't or did not do. I've heard that before. But in this case, I'm pretty sure that your ownership of the house isn't the root of his insecurity. If that were such a big deal to him, he likely would not have moved in.

Based on the wording of your question -- specifically the stance that it's "my house we live in," and you can do whatever you want "simply because I bought it" -- his issue probably has more to do with you reminding him that it's not "his" or "our" house but just yours. He knows he didn't buy it, and he doesn't need to be reminded of it.