Dating Isn’t Dead

Ask Demetria: Tired of guys with casual courtship styles? Don't settle -- keep your standards high.


Women have more power than they know, and I wish they wouldn’t be afraid to exert it. There isn’t any obligation to engage in text-only communication or accept offers to hang out after the club or have sex with no commitment. “No” is a powerful word. Use it.

Women should also not be afraid to ask for what they want. Not every guy is a mind reader, and even the well-intentioned and actually interested ones won’t always get it right up front (or down the line). Speak up.

He’s always texting? Tell him that you prefer he call or that you two talk in person. He doesn’t call enough for your liking? Tell him what you prefer. If he suggests that you “come by to chill,” hit him with a counteroffer: “Actually, I’d prefer if we went out. How about _______?” will work just fine.

If he’s genuinely interested in seeing you and not just bored or trying to have sex, he’ll agree (or counter with a place or activity that is within his budget). It’s not as if you’re asking him to create an Eighth Wonder of the World. If he’s remotely interested, he will try to meet your reasonable requests.

This was the case with my current significant other. He called one evening asking to see me and wanted to know if he could come over. I flatly told him no. (I don’t invite strangers into my home.)

He then asked if I could visit him at his home. Again, no. (I also don’t go to strangers’ homes.)

“Well, can you meet me somewhere?” he asked.

I was interested in seeing him, and glad to know that he shared my spontaneous streak and that his primary interest was to see me. But … I didn’t want to get back on the subway. “Could we do something tomorrow?” I suggested. “I can’t do the train right now.”

He offered to send a car to pick me up. When a guy is interested, it’s really that simple.

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at