Should I Wait for a Man to Find Me?

Ask Demetria: Don't give up on your "cutie runs." Praying for a mate is not the answer.


When you see someone you find attractive or who looks interesting, you smile, say hello and pay a compliment (about literally anything) or ask a question. It helps you appear friendly and, as you said, approachable. You can literally try it anytime, since you’re looking to meet men.

Women have “off” times when we don’t like to be approached. Guys? Not so much. If he finds you remotely attractive, there is no such thing as off-hours, and he will gladly engage you in conversation. If that goes well and he is available, give him your contact information so he can ask you out and get to know you better.

I’ve heard this approach to meeting men derided as “trite” or “too simplistic.” Of course, I argue otherwise. Sometimes we make dating harder than it needs to be. Others have called it “too forward” or “aggressive,” which I’ve never understood. If it’s too much to smile at a man, perhaps you’re better off single, even if you don’t want to be. And if you really don’t want to be, it’s time to try something different. A popular definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Since you don’t know what to do, let me help you figure out your answer instead of giving you mine. You have friends who are sitting back waiting, the ones who tell you that you should take their approach. Correct me if I’m wrong, but they are the ones who will occasionally meet a guy but wait for him to initiate all the contact. Then they don’t understand why he loses interest, right?

These are the women who get dressed up to go out and leave disappointed because no one asked for their number, correct? Do these women who are giving you advice have potential dates on deck, much less a could-be husband prospect? Are they having even half the fun waiting that you’re having meeting people and dating?

If you want to be like them, then try their methods. If you want something different, like dates and an increased potential to meet your Mr. Right sooner rather than later, then keep going on cutie runs.

Of course, this approach won’t guarantee you a date, much less a husband, which is what it sounds like you’re eventually hoping for. But going out on cutie runs gives you a greater potential to someday become a wife than sitting around waiting for, literally, only God knows how long.

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at