Should I Bar His Kin From Our Wedding?

Ask Demetria: Even if his family member pissed you off, try not to turn into a bridezilla.


(The Root) —

“My fiance’s godsister went back and told his ex-girlfriend that he is engaged to me. The ex called my fiance, and she went H.A.M. [i.e., “hard as a motherf—er”]. Now that I know his godsister is messy, I don’t want her knowing the details of our wedding or even attending it. Do I have the right to do this?” —Y.C. 

You’re angry that your fiance’s godsister did something you can’t control, and you’re being irrational. You want some sort of vengeance, and it’s blocking you from properly analyzing the situation, as well as seeing clearly the consequences of pursuing revenge.

The godsister didn’t do anything wrong. You are, in fact, engaged, yes? So she wasn’t lying on you. She shared factual information with your fiance’s ex, someone she is closer to than you. Is your engagement a secret? If not, the ex was going to hear about it anyway. Did you or someone else ask the godsister not to say anything to the ex or anyone else? If not, the godsister is in the clear. 

In your haste to punish her, you’re missing a glaring issue. The person you need to be worried about isn’t the godsister but the ex, and maybe even your fiance.

Picking up the phone, as your fiance’s ex did, and “going H.A.M.” on the guy you just discovered is engaged is not a “normal” reaction. Plenty of people, including me, have received similar news about an ex’s pending nuptials — even about “the One” — and thought, “What?!” or even been a bit bummed. But to grab the phone, dial his number and unleash on him hints very obviously that at least one of the people on the line has some unresolved issues with her former, or maybe even current, relationship.

Instead of flipping on the godsister, you need to focus on what that call from the ex meant to your fiance. Was this a case of an ex who just can’t let go? That’s what you’re hoping for. Or was there something on simmer between your fiance and his ex, and she just got blindsided? That would also explain why she just blanked out on him.

Ask your fiance to explain that call — in detail. If you don’t know already, you want him to tell you how long they dated, when they broke up and why and when they last communicated prior to this call. That includes phone, text, email, in-person, messages relayed via others and all social media — just to be clear. If there’s nothing going on, the story should line up neatly.