Should I Check His Female Friend?

Ask Demetria: Calling another woman to let her know your man's taken may be a recipe for disaster.


(The Root) —

“My boyfriend and I have a very trusting relationship. We share passwords to our email accounts, phones and social networking. Lately, he’s been receiving emails and calls from a new woman. He says she’s just a friend and there is nothing to worry about. I don’t think he’s cheating, but I think there may be more going on that he’s letting me know. I would like to call her woman to woman and make sure she knows he’s in a committed relationship. My friends can’t agree on whether or not this is a good idea. Should I should call her?” —S.C.

Was there a storyline in a recent TV show where a girlfriend called another woman about her man, or is there a popular song about this? I ask because there’s been a bump in questions like this in my email inbox and Formspring queue. I thought — incorrectly, obviously — that every grown person knew that calling another woman about your man is absolutely and unequivocally a horrible idea.

I’ve never called anyone about any man I’ve dated or with whom I’ve been in a relationship. My logic is that if the solution to my issue is to have to call a third party, who is not a professional, about what’s going on between another person and me, then something is irrevocably broken, and that’s the sign that it’s about time to see myself to the exit of that relationship. But I have been on the receiving end of these calls three times.

The first was from the wife of a college friend whom I ran into at a club. We exchanged numbers mostly out of courtesy. His wife was respectful and, actually, pretty sweet when she called to ask how I knew her husband and if I knew they had a child and one on the way.

Because we had mutual friends and I didn’t want any drama in my circle, more than out of any respect for her, I explained in detail that I’d known his friends and family for years, and there was nothing for her to be concerned about. Then I texted him and told him his wife was nuts and to delete my number.

Another woman’s friend sent me a nasty email when yet another of her friends discovered that we were dating the same guy. He lived in New York, and she lived farther away from him than I but still on the East Coast. She wanted me to know that while I had the advantage of proximity, his heart was with her friend. I was appalled by her audacity, and I’m not proud to admit it, but I emailed her back with the strongest language I could use without cursing.