Break Up to Make Up: A Fool’s Game?

Ask Demetria: If you're thinking about getting back with an ex, give it some serious thought.


(The Root) —

“My boyfriend and I recently broke up. He reaches out every couple of days. I miss him and I want to be with him, but I am not sure how he feels. How do I bring up to him the possibility of us getting back together?” –M.G.

Your letter reminds me of one of my favorite Jill Scott songs, “Cross My Mind.” Scott details all the great memories of the times she had with her ex and how much she misses him — the way he smelled, her attraction to him, the loving nights they shared.

But upon deeper reflection, she realizes that she’s having a moment of vulnerability and that missing him isn’t “the sign” that means she should give the relationship a second chance. She concludes, “You were never good for me, and I was never good for you.” 

Before you reach out to your ex to ask him to give you one more chance, I’ll caution you to have a real heart-to-heart with yourself to figure out if it’s the old relationship you want back or if you’re just feeling the agony of getting over the dude you used to love.

Surely I don’t need to tell you that a breakup can be emotionally taxing. There’s the severed bond and the lonely nights, of course, but for me it was always the little things, like wanting to share a “You’ll never guess what happened” moment or knowing that someone was missing me occasionally when I wasn’t there.

Sometimes, when we’re newly out of a relationship, feeling lonely and not adjusting quite so quickly as we had hoped to dating again, we can romanticize what was, remembering only the best aspects of the relationship, instead of evaluating it more objectively.