Is It OK to Ditch Hubby for My Married Mate?

Ask Demetria: Even if you haven't been physical, an emotional affair with a non-spouse is trouble.


If you’ve honestly exhausted all efforts to make your marriage work and you and your husband still can’t make things right, then it may be time for you to go. But running into the arms of the man with whom you’ve been emotionally cheating isn’t the move you want to make. Is a man whose own wife shouldn’t trust him really the kind of man you want to call your own?

I need you to understand a couple of important things about what you’re doing, and with whom you are doing it. Sure, there’s a chance that this side hustle could pan out into something meaningful and long-term, but relationships that start from affairs survive only 5 percent of the time, according to psychologist and talk-show host Dr. Phil.

There’s good reason for that. The foundation of your side relationship is built on lies, deception and dishonesty. If you’re cheating — whether it’s emotional or physical — you’re already demonstrating a lack of the fundamental skills that make relationships most likely to work, the biggest of which is integrity. You and the man with whom you’re cheating aren’t demonstrating a healthy dose of it.

Both of you stood up before God, your beloved relatives and loyal friends and pledged vows to honor, respect and be faithful to your respective spouses. And by the deception you two have been carrying on, it’s clear that neither of you can be trusted, not by your actual partners and not by each other.

Since you have the same traits, I’m not surprised that you’ve found a strong connection, and some might say that you actually deserve each other and whatever epic-level drama is coming from this. It may be fitting, but I’d like you to do better.

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at

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