I Don’t Want Kids, but He Does; Help!

Ask Demetria: If you disagree about being parents now, it doesn't bode well for your marriage.


If he isn’t 100 percent willing to forgo children, then this wedding needs to be called off. Sure, that suggestion is jarring and sounds appalling, and I hate to offer it. I like to see folks happily married in healthy unions. Note those descriptors: “happy” and “healthy” — not just married to avoid being an unmarried statistic.

I fear that if you two are married under these circumstances, you will end up getting divorced — something akin to Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, whose difference in opinion about when and/or if to have kids was rumored to have been a reason for their split.

If your marriage ended similarly, the story might not make worldwide headlines. But save yourselves the headache, the money spent on a wedding for a marriage that has a rocky chance at success, and the cost of an expensive divorce lawyer by getting on the same page about children now. Or you could agree to get out of this relationship before it proceeds any further.

I know you’re in love and want this relationship to work, but please avoid the inclination to try to make it happen by any means necessary. Don’t agree to have children if you don’t want them just to go down the aisle in July. That’s unfair to your fiancé.

For good reason, compromise is often referred to as the cornerstone of relationships. But this isn’t one of those issues you give in on just to make your would-be husband happy. It’s unfair to you and any potential offspring. Since you’ve concluded that you don’t want kids, you’re undoubtedly aware of the gigantic responsibility involved. Parenting is a role that should be taken on because you want to, not under duress or to save a relationship.

Good luck!

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at askdemetria@theroot.com.

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