Single-Minded: Vampire Fever

Sometimes young love can be deadly.

© 2009 Summit Entertainment.

The whole Twilight franchise is starting to scare me a bit. Bite by bite, the teen-wolf-vampire love triangle is veering dangerously toward the melodramatic equivalent of Bermuda. Whatever innocence the ''saga'' once had is being sucked into a violent vortex, beginning to look less like Romeo and Juliet and more like Chrihanna-gate.

Actually, both examples (super star and Shakespearean) of teen lust gone overboard are less than ideal -- abuse and assisted suicide are better suited for after-school specials. Monsters, chart toppers and Italian aristocrats all seem to prove that any love under 21 doesn't do anybody any good. It's nothing like milk, apparently. So what's a growing attention-addicted, Facebook-obsessed sexter to do?

Perhaps pimple cream has the answer. Recently I caught one of those midnight infomercials on miracle acne medicine. The tag line? ''… hormones are not your fault, but you can fix them.'' That sounds about right when it comes to Jacob, Bella and Edward, the stars and star-crossed lovers of The Twilight Saga. Quick recap for those who've already hit puberty: Bella falls for vampire Edward whose sworn enemy is werewolf Jacob, who also loves Bella, who also loves him but not as much as she loves Edward who she has convinced to ''change her'' so that they can go to the chapel.

''Bella and Edwards' love is very taboo and forbidden,'' explained Eclipse co-star Nikki Reed in the July issue of Vanity Fair. Reed plays Rosalie Hale, the one member of the Cullen vampire clan against turning Bella into a bloodsucker. ''I think that kind of represents all youthful relationships, because that's what all first love feels like. This isn't like a healthy love, Edward and Bella's love--it's sort of borderline, like, insane.''

Even more insane is Jacob's reaction when he learns that Bella has decided to stop her beating heart in order to satiate it. She plans to marry Edward and become a vampire after she graduates high school. ''I'd rather see you dead,'' snarls the wolf through gritted teeth. Umm, what? Later he tries to clean things up. ''You wouldn't have to change for me, Bella. I'm in love with you, and I want you to pick me instead of him,'' pleads Jacob, played with steely shirtless-ness by Taylor Lautner.