FLASH: Tiger Woods Seeks Asylum in France

Not really, but our French partner, Slate.fr, came up with a pretty good fake application letter that contains a lot of truth.

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slatefrtiger
AP

We know that the French find our sex scandals and our Puritanical public dialogue amusing, so it’s no surprise they’ve really gone to town on Tiger Woods’ woes. However, the Gallic media tend to find American outrage more interesting than American sins. They’ve got plenty of their own.

Our sister site in France, Slate.fr, ran the following fictional “application for asylum” from Tiger Woods on their site by contributor Layla Demay. I’ve translated a portion:

To the Minister of the French Office for the Protection of Refugees and the Stateless

My name is Tiger Woods, and I am a victim of terrible persecutions. I am writing to request the right of asylum. For the last 15 days, I have been the victim of intense humiliation. Not a day has passed that I have not been attacked by my country’s national press. Public opinion says that I have committed horrible crimes, moral turpitudes and perversity. But I am just a victim of opprobrium.

In my country, adultery, a common and banal act, is considered a crime. Yet, it is well-known that it is practiced by the majority of Americans. The market for adultery is flourishing, even in these times of economic crisis. On its own, it has no doubt stimulated the economy. Americans should recognize this fact, and as an act of patriotism, promote more infidelity. There are sites on the Internet to bring together supply and demand. Ashleymadison.com, the market leader, has more than 4 million members.

Craigslist, the classified ads site where a large number of my fellow citizens recruit their baby sitters and cleaning ladies, also features pages and pages of announcements by married men seeking companions for their 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. trysts. To convince the regulars, certain “announcers” will even declare that “I’m dying to suck your ----.” This proves that I am hardly the only one involved in extra-marital relations.

Furthermore, in my country, an acronym has entered the common language for a lover or long-term mistress: FWB, Friend With Benefits. The situation should be obvious, but unfortunately, a powerful elite refuses to lift the veil of Puritanism that envelops my country like a corset. A corset, I say, that has become a chastity belt.

I haven’t revealed anything to authorities in my country, but my wife tried to kill me with one of my golf clubs after she learned about my indiscretions. Today, I am dragged in the mud, and my sponsors are abandoning me. One sponsor, Accenture, declared that I did not represent the values of the company. I’d be ready to bet that the CEO of Accenture has an FWB somewhere in a secret drawer. My popularity has dropped from 85 percent to 33 percent.

For all these reasons, I am respectfully asking France to grant me extra-marital asylum.

I am sure that France will understand my request. While in my country one of our presidents underwent an impeachment process for having an affair with an intern, France allowed its president to have a wife, a mistress and an illegitimate child, living in tranquility without a single a drop of ink expanded by the media to talk about it.

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