5. Joe Budden’s entire 2009 has been an epic fatality. First a beef with Jersey rapper, Ransom, got the friend of Budden’s brother donkey smacked on camera. Then he and Saigon got to into a rap battle where Sai dropped that Joe Budden’s girlfriend was once Fabolous’ girlfriend. Budden released a vlog declaring that he was OK with his girlfriend’s past. Then Budden hopped out there, boasting that he was lyrically better than Method Man, which got the entire Wu-Tang Clan buzzing. Inspectah Deck got onstage at one of Budden’s shows and told the crowd, “F— Joe Budden.” Then, on the Rock the Bells tour, Raekwon walked into Budden’s dressing room armed with video cameras, to straighten things out. One of Raekwon’s goons socked Budden in what he calls his “side-eye” for his reckless talk. (Raekwon is holding the videotape in case Budden acts out again.) Then after publicly defending his girlfriend’s honor, Budden and his lady break up. She posts Twitpics of herself cuddled up with 50 Cent. Budden consoled himself by dating another Fabolous rebound, MySpace model, Somaya Reece. Meanwhile, he’s trying to avert another beatdown by issuing formal apologies to Philly rappers Beanie Siegel and Mike Knox before one of them taps him in the side-eye.
4. When Joe Wilson yelled “you lie” during the president’s health care speech, he should have been escorted out. During the election, Obama had to temper his temper because he couldn’t afford to be labeled the angry black guy. Had he yelled out “You Lie!” during the debates, it would’ve been game over. I so wanted Obama to shut the South Carolina congressman down and say, “Come down here and say that to my face, Joe Wilson!” Yes, I know, Obama can’t do that. And that is what I love about Obama: He doesn’t have to. He’s the president.
3. Let’s face it: The balloon boy’s father is nuts. First, he makes a big-ass balloon in his backyard (Slightly crazy.) Then he calls the police and news stations saying that his son just went up in said big-ass balloon. (Crazier.) Then we discover that the missing boy in the balloon was really hiding in the roof of his garage. (Really crazy.) And that balloon boy’s dad conjured up the whole story in order to get a reality TV show. (Really, really crazy.) So I have this to say to balloon boy’s dad: Your epic fail, my dear friend, was not all the craziness that lead you into annals of ridiculousness. It’s not having the foresight to coach your boy not to spill the beans (both literally and figuratively) on live TV. As a crazy father, you should have made sure you had all your crazy bases covered. He needs to go to jail where he can make balloons for all the prisoners. This whole mess even pissed Hitler off.
2. We were sick of Chrihanna before the whole sordid fiasco went down. After pleading guilty to beating Rhianna, Chris goes on Larry King, trying his best to look like Poindexter rocking a Garanimals outfit in that sky blue sweater vest and matching bow tie. This entire tragedy pushed Chrihanna to the forefront of the domestic violence issue—when all we really want is for that young man to krump dance his way out of our collective consciousness.
1. A joke: Man paid to run fast walks into a nightclub with a gun in his waistband. While walking to the V.I.P. lounge to get at the ladies and make it rain on the hoes, his gun slips down from his waist. Fast Man goes to grab it, and he shoots himself in the leg. The nightclub is so loud that his teammate, who is standing right next to him, doesn’t even hear the shot.
Fast Man to Teammate: I shot myself.
Fast Man: I shot myself.
Teammate: Get the %$#@&# out of here!
(Teammate looks down and sees white Converse red with blood.)
Wait—here’s the punch line: Almost a year after shooting himself in the thigh, Fast Man is sentenced to two years in prison!
Damn, Plaxico Burress. Damn.
Stephen Crockett is a regular contributor to The Root.