Do you dope or drink?—I don’t want any dopers or lushes around my kids. A glass of wine with dinner and an occasional night of cocktailing is cool, but if you are dependent on drugs or alcohol to regulate your mood, PASS.
Do you have any felonies?—Especially violent ones. Sex offenses count.
Are you on probation?—Again, another non-negotiable. I’m sure there are a lot of good people on probation out there. I don’t want them around my children. Sorry. PASS.
Do you have kids of your own?—How they treat their own kids will say a lot about how they may treat yours.
How’s your credit?—A lot of us are hit, so I don’t hold against anyone. But it’s good FYI.
Are you employable?—That is, are you an American citizen, did you graduate from high school, get a GED and can you at least get a job at Wendy’s so you can afford a taxi if I have to kick you out for acting crazy around my kids?
Do you vote?—No? NEXT.
What are your intentions?—Are we just dancing, or are we moving toward something? If not, there’s no reason for you to meet my kids.
Got any life plans?—“What’s a life plan?” Right. NEXT.
I know. I know. Don’t thank me. I work for you.