The 40-Year-Old Re-Virgin

A Mocha Chocolata Ya-Ya ruminates on ten years of not getting any.

Surprisingly, at the beginning of the new millennium, nearly 45 percent of black men had never been married, which is problematic for me or any woman who prefers black men. My personal preference has always been chocolate. I’ve dated vanilla, a few times, but it just doesn’t have the je ne sais quoi and I’ve never connected with vanilla in the same way that I have with chocolate. There are also cultural and background similarities, and the ease, comfort, and familiarity that I have when I’m in the company of the same flavor— Mocha Chocalata.

If I had really wanted to have sex in the last decade, I could have. But as much as I miss the exhilaration and intimacy of being with a man, I’m not desperate. And I’m not willing to give my body to just anyone – particularly without the possibility of a long-term relationship and commitment. And while I am lonely, I am not alone. I have mastered eating by myself in nice restaurants, going to movies and attending the theater unescorted. I have friends and family who love me and with whom I enjoy spending time.

I would like to find a man with whom I could be equally yoked in intelligence, ambition, values, and a mutually shared physical chemistry. But short of a miracle, I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I may never have another meaningful, healthy relationship – much less a sexual relationship – in my life. It’s disheartening when I really stop and absorb the reality that I could likely spend the remainder of my life uncoupled— and sexually unsatisfied–simply because I choose to wait until an adequate black mate comes along.

Jennifer E. Mabry is a writer living in Colorado. She holds a Ph.D. in communications from the University of Maryland, College Park and is a cultural anthropologist of race, gender and popular culture.