AMC

What’s up, bruh? Why do you look so depressed?

Because The Walking Dead returns Sunday night and it always makes me a little upset.

But I thought you loved that show. Why would that make you sad?

Although I love the show, I always get sad because every season splits everyone into two factions. In my opinion, there are only two kinds of people in the world:

1. People who watch The Walking Dead.

2. People who don’t yet understand that The Walking Dead teaches you everything you need to know about white people’s fears.

OK, here you go with that TV Hotepery again.

Me?

Yes, you. Aren’t you the same guy who had that elaborate theory about how Game of Thrones was about white people, power politics and ...

Oh, you read that?

Yes, I did. I gotta admit that shit was on point. I learned a lot about Caucasians and their hunger for power, even if it was a bit of a stretch.

So may I ask you one question?

Sure. Go right ahead.

Where 👏 was 👏the 👏lie?

I am not saying it was wrong. I get what you were talking about with “Dem Thrones,” but I don’t know if you can say the same about The Walking Dead. I just don’t get postapocalyptic horror shows and ... wait. Did you just speak to me in emoji?

It’s a gift. Never mind that. We only have a few hours before The Walking Dead returns, so let me explain it to you.

But isn’t it a series about zombies and shit? I don’t do zombies. Zombie-apocalypse fantasy horror is the definition of white-people shit.

Exactly. Just like Game of Thrones was about how whiteness intersects with power and politics, zombies are an analogy for white people’s worst fears. The two scariest things in all of Caucasia are zombies and black people.

Huh? I’m usually down to listen to your inane theories. They are nothing if not entertaining. But you lost me on this one. Zombies and black people are white people’s biggest fears?

Didn’t you know this? Being white is being fragile and privileged at the same time. There are only two things that make white people nervous: unapologetic blackness and the undead. They are scared shitless of anything that can’t die or that can return from the dead.

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Think about it: When white people imagine the most powerful and horrific thing, it’s always a zombie. The White Walkers in Game of Thrones are just cold-weather zombies. Vampires are just bloodthirsty, old-school zombies. Dr. Frankenstein’s monster was just a factory-refurbished zombie.

Even the most powerful deity of all, Jesus Christ, is simply a zombie son who came back to life to change the world and wash away our sins.

But they always need blood.

Damn, I’ve never thought about it that way. But I’ve never watched the show. I can’t just jump in without watching the old episodes, can I? I don’t know how the zombies got here. I don’t know any of the characters. I don’t know the heroes or the antagonists. I’m sure you’re about to tell me about how everything stands for white privilege or white supremacy or something.

You’ve met white people before, right? It’s not that difficult to understand.

The hero of the show is the symbol for white nobility, morality and courage—a police officer named Rick. Rick goes into a coma and awakens to a world that has been taken over by violent zombies who will approach you without fear of being shot. They are multiplying very fast and making white people turn into zombies.

Let me guess. Are the zombies metaphors for black people?

You’re beginning to understand.

Somehow, the Negroes walking dead have taken over the world, except for a few brave people who have banded together to preserve the master race. Future generations of whites are becoming infected with this evil disease. Even children. It’s all about white genocide.

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They are stuck in the South (near Atlanta, where the zombies are the scariest). Rick soon becomes the leader of the “woke” white people, and the entire show is about how he leads his friends (they become a “family”) to navigate the world without becoming black.

Rick has a newborn daughter who is the symbol of white purity. He also has a son who is just like his daddy (except with one eye). Rick has to keep them from becoming one of the undead and preserve the future of his family. They have a lot of guns and they meet different people along the way who have managed to stay pure and untainted. Every season is a microcosm of white people’s ways to survive when they become the minority in a world of brown and black people.

Of course, being a police officer, the only way Rick knows how to stay alive is through a lot of zombie killing.

A lot.

This sounds interesting. So what happens?

Well, one season is about getting to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention to see if there is a way to scientifically stop the world from turning into hungry, violent, scary killers. In another season, they try to build their own commune so they can become zombie separatists, but the undead take that over.

Then they have the idea that the prison-industrial complex might work, but you know how zombies are—prison won’t protect you from them.

They meet “the Governor,” who has enacted harsh legislation to try to keep out “the walkers.” That doesn’t work. They meet people living in a hospital, but universal health care doesn’t work. They build a wall. They tried going to church. Nothing ever works. Nothing they try ever slows down the fact that the zombies are taking over ... except killing black people zombies.

But aren’t there actual black people on the show who haven’t turned into zombies?

Of course. But even the black people are white people’s imaginings of what a “good black” person is. All the strong, independent black characters eventually turn into the undead or join the “woke” white people.

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D’Angelo Barksdale from The Wire was on the show, but in a scene that was reminiscent of what they did to Kunta Kinte in Roots, some white people caught him leaving the plantation and cut his foot off. Except they went into full wypipo mode and made him eat it. T-Dog was big and powerful, but he was killed. Tyrese was unafraid and a skilled fighter, but he was an au pair who eventually died. In the last episode of the season, a woman named Sasha died by turning herself into a zombie because she was so upset about the death of her white boyfriend.

So all the black characters are dead?

Well, if you prove to be useful and understand that the white people are in charge, they will let you live. Not all of the black characters are deceased, because that would look racist.

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There’s a preacher who prays a lot but is kind of untrustworthy and scared of everything. Morgan is a Magical Negro who can fight like a motherfucker, but he believes in nonviolent resistance. There is Ezekiel, a slick-talking, Sharpton-like leader who has made people believe in him, probably because they fear they’ll end up his tiger’s dinner.

Most important, there’s Michonne—an unapologetically strong black woman who carries a sword. She’s alive and one of the biggest stars of the show.

OK, then why did they keep her alive?

Because the white leader must have someone to have sex with. Are you paying attention?

Damn. So where are we now?

Well, the white people have finally realized that there is something worse than black people—Trump.

Oh God. Here comes the politics.

No, for real. There’s a guy named Negan who is basically a white supremacist. He has convinced his followers that they must do anything to preserve whiteness even if it means brutalizing their own people. He built a wall. He signed a bunch of executive orders. He keeps firing his staff. He grabs women by the pussy. He has a bunch of different wives. He deports people. He demands loyalty from everyone around him.

He’s Donald Trump.

Rick must lead the rest of the people to dethrone TrumpNegan. Rick finds a group who are basically socialists living on “the hill” who want to change the world. They have single-payer health care, low-income housing and social equality. They are the Berniecrats.

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There are also a bunch of women who follow this old white lady (I’m not making this up, bruh). They eventually have to come together to decide whether to join the resistance against Negan or stay “with her.”

Jesus joins the fight because he knows a lot of tricks and a few people believe in him.

Rick also finds a bunch of poor white trash (that’s not a pejorative. They literally live in a garbage dump). He tries to convince them that Donald Negan doesn’t have their best interests at heart, but they are too dumb to understand. They can barely talk in complete sentences.

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So now all of the white people are beginning to realize that they must come together to fight NeganTrump before he becomes a dangerous dictator.

More dangerous than the zombies?

Well, they are starting to realize that the white genocide isn’t the real threat. The only way to survive is by living alongside the growing population of undead. If they go about their business and don’t bother the zombies, the zombies don’t bother them. Now they just want to be left alone and live in peace. They realize that they will eventually be the minority, anyway.

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In the second season, a dying doctor whispers to Rick that blackness the zombie disease is in everyone’s blood. They are all infected. They must exist knowing that they can’t kill everyone just because they fear for their lives.

They can’t run. They can’t hide. The world in The Walking Dead is just like America. It is an unavoidable fact that the whole world can’t ignore:

Once you go zombie ...

... you never go back.