Jemele Hill and Michael Smith in Los Angeles on June 24, 2017 (Paras Griffin/Getty Images for BET)

I do not know Jemele Hill personally, but I wish I did. In truth, I like to say that Hill is a throwback to a 1960s revolutionary (which she is), but Hill is in line with black women today. (Truthfully, black men, black women have been killing us on the “Stand up for yourselves” front. They don’t take anything lying down. If the NFL were made up of black women, the damn league would be at a standstill until everything got ironed out.)

So when Hill took to Twitter to spill all that truth about President Shitty von AssFace being a white supremacist, black America was stamping it with #Facts. But everything is politicized now. You can’t call a white supremacist a white supremacist even when he supports and empowers white supremacy and supports himself with white supremacists.

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Hill’s network, ESPN, has apologized. White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, aka Suckabee, called for her job. And now President Lucas von TurtleDick has gone on Twitter asking that ESPN apologize, even though it already did. And Hill issued a mea culpa pointing out that her views were personal and that she didn’t mean to bring heat to her network. But that didn’t stop President Soaked von ShittyDiaper from demanding more apologies and using an exclamation point because that’s what dictators do!

Well, here is a list of five things that will happen before Jemele Hill ever apologizes to that tiki-torch-complexioned flaming bag of Cheetos extract:

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1. Frankie Beverly will officially join Maze, and the group will no longer feature him but will, in fact, just be called Maze.

2. LeBron James’ hairline will grow back to its seventh-grade length, when it was just above his eyebrows.

3. My credit score will be above 750. I currently have the credit score of a homeless hologram.

4. Dennis Rodman will broker a peace deal between North Korea and the U.S. (Wait, that actually might happen.)

5. Fifty-three percent of white women will apologize for turning their backs on the rest of America and voting Donald Trump into office.