It was a glorious 10 days. In only 10 days at the White House as the communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, aka Scaramucci Mane, took over for Sean “Spicy Facts” Spicer (who, assuming that big baby Jesus is listening, could be back any day); got Reince Priebus fired; and then was subsequently fired by his replacement. In 10 days, Scaramucci Mane held the president’s balls in a way that no other man has (he even mentioned watching him throw a football perfectly) and called Steve “Papa” Bannon a man who wants to “suck his own cock.”
I don’t think, in the history of American politics, that one could have had a more glorious flameout in just 10 days. So now that the dust has settled a bit—and by “settled,” I mean the dust is still floating; but with this Thot-TaTalicious-ass administration, that’s all you can ask for—I think we should take a look at what made President Shitty Von Shit Face tell Scaramucci Mane to “run and get your shine box.”
1. Scaramucci Mane was incompetent.
This is slowly becoming the company line, but let me assure you that Scaramucci Mane was incompetent long before he took office. In fact, he clearly didn’t know what the hell he was doing, and as such he ended up going on the record with a New Yorker reporter. But this isn’t the reason he got fired.
President “Grab ’em by the Pussy” couldn’t have cared less that his press person was a foulmouthed heathen; in fact, I’m sure the president preferred it that way. If the president was worried about appearances, he’d stop writing Vladimir Putin’s name all over his notebook and getting all orange-faced when anyone talks about him. He’d realize that openly crushing on the Russian president during an investigation into whether the United States colluded with Russian isn’t a good look, so acting as if Mucci Mane was ousted because he embarrassed the presidency with his language and/or behavior is plausible, but highly unlikely.
2. Scaramucci Mane upstaged President Shitty Von Shit Face.
This one makes the most sense to me. I don’t think that Von Shit Face can stand when someone takes the attention from him, and that’s exactly what Mucci Mane did after the New Yorker reported that the fucking White House communications director just called and blasted people inside the administration.
I don’t think the president cares what kind of attention that he receives, as long as it’s attention. Like the kid in kindergarten who pees on himself just so the teacher will give him one-on-one care, the president of mesh-hat wearers is willing to go all out to ensure that we all keep our gazes on him.
For a weekend, Mucci Mane owned the news. His sound bites and press clippings were all the pundits were talking about, and this was never going to work for the orange-skinned man with the outsized ego. He couldn’t have Mucci Mane stealing his light, so in this Game of Thrones-ass administration, someone had to die.
3. Mucci Mane didn’t want to report to John Kelly.
Everyone knew that then-White House chief of staff Reince Priebus and Mucci Mane didn’t get along. It had been announced, shortly after Mucci Mane took over as the communications guy, that he was going to report directly to the president of 53 percent of white women and not the president’s chief of staff, which is the normal chain of command for any presidency. But this Hazel-E-ass administration is anything but normal, so when Reince-y got shown the door, rumor has it, Mucci Mane still wanted to report directly to the president and not the new chief of staff, John Kelly. Kelly reportedly put his big military foot down and Mucci Mane was shown the door.
I don’t know how plausible this reasoning is, for a couple of reasons: 1) Mucci Mane was obsessed with working for Von Shit Face. He wanted into the White House badly and was willing to take a job that he had no idea how to do. I know that Mucci Mane is a lot of things, but I don’t see him being a quitter. I don’t see him demanding that he deal only with the president in order to do his job. This was a force-out of epic proportions, and as in most Mafia-organized hits, Mucci Mane got whacked. I’m just not sure who was behind it.