Daniel Kaluuya as Chris in Get Out (screenshot via Universal Studios)

Although Jordan Peele’s brilliant (and now record-breaking) Get Out inverts classic horror tropes and societal expectations by making the “well-meaning” white people the bogeymen and the black dude the damsel in distress, its dramatic tension still relies on one thing you’ll find in pretty much every other horror film: the protagonist ignoring his gut and making dangerously shitty and stupid decisions. In Chris’ case, there were at least 21 times that his Negro spidey senses should have gone off.

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(For those concerned about possible spoilers, you’re reading a piece about a movie that was released almost a month ago. Of course there are going to be spoilers. Get over your fucking selves.)

  1. When Rose invites Chris to spend a weekend with her family. Because any invitation to spend an entire weekend with a bunch of new white people is obviously a set-up. (The optimal period of time to spend with a bunch of new white people, by the way? 121 minutes. Basically, exactly as long as the movie Crash.)
  2. When Rose said she didn’t tell her parents that Chris was black. If this was sincere, it means she’s obviously an idiot. And traversing backcountry roads with stupid white women is a death sentence for a black man.
  3. When Rose said her parents don’t care about race. Which is a goddamn lie because everyone’s parents do. Because everyone does.
  4. When that deer came out of nowhere and hit the car. That was a fast-ass fucking deer. That deer was on human growth hormone. And black men do not belong in neighborhoods with genetically enhanced #MAGA deer.
  5. When Rose got all haughty with the cop. Chris should have peeped her attitude, slid over to the driver’s seat and drove his ass back to Brooklyn. Because the life expectancy of black men in the company of white women mouthing off to the police is 17 1/2 minutes.
  6. When they made it to the Armitages’ house and were greeted, like, 20 acres away from the house by a nigga with a hat on. Any white people placing niggas in hats as their sentinels around their houses ain’t to be trusted.
  7. When Chris realized that the Armitages didn’t have neighbors. Because any white people who trust lakes and the woods and shit more than other white people ain’t to be trusted.
  8. When Dad Armitage said he would have voted for Obama a third time. Because that was a damn lie because we know his performatively progressive ass was definitely a Bernie Bro.
  9. When Mom Armitage kept asking all them damn invasive questions about Chris’ mama and Chris’ smoking, with her familiar-acting Kellyanne Conway-ass ass. Put your fucking shoes on.
  10. When Baby Brother Armitage came through all aggressive and weird with his lacrosse sticks and MMA moves. Which is exactly why I don’t get drunk with white dudes anymore. Three Jägerbombs and those niggas want to wrestle.
  11. When Chris and Rose were allowed to sleep in the same damn bed and totally, absolutely, definitely were fucking, like, 10 feet away from her parents’ bedroom. Ain’t no parents on earth cool enough to let some nigga they just met five minutes ago break their daughter’s back within earshot. Definitely a setup.
  12. When the black workers at the house were all funny-acting. Ain’t no country for extra time spent with funny-acting-for-no-reason-ass black people. Which is why I don’t invite Kappas to Thanksgiving dinner.
  13. When it was revealed that, like, a couple dozen more new white people would be at the Armitages’. Because the only time I want to see 23 new white people at one time is in Lululemon.
  14. When he suspected that he was hypnotized by Mom Armitage.
  15. When the nigga with the hat was like, “Oh yeah, she totally hypnotized you, dude.”
  16. When his phone mysteriously kept getting separated from the charger.
  17. When the black maid smiled and cried and shit at the same time. Because anytime anyone re-creates a fucking solar eclipse with her face, it’s a sign that shit ain’t right.
  18. When all them white people rolled up in black Lincoln Town Cars. Because the only white people who drive Lincolns in 2017 are serial killers and Matthew McConaughey.
  19. When the black dude at the party was all funny-acting, too, and dressed like the executive editor of Golf Digest. (See No. 12)
  20. WHEN THE BLACK DUDE AT THE PARTY LITERALLY SAID, “GET OUT!!!!!”
  21. When Chris discovered that Rose had an entire Pinterest wall full of niggas she lured with her whiteness and introduced to her parents. No one wants to be the next addition on someone’s Pinterest wall full of niggas, and Chris should have trampled Rose and jumped out the window.