NBA MVP Stephen Curry should be on cloud nine right now. He’s leading a team favored to win the NBA Finals; he has a beautiful family, including a wife who’s definitely putting in that “dual income” work; and he reportedly inked a deal with Under Armour that’s worth nine figures. And, according to something I read on the internet an indeterminate amount of time ago, only Michael Jordan has sold more signature shoes in the last year (which I refuse to believe because I’ve seen exactly ZERO teenagers rocking Under Armours with their jeans. Jordans? Yes. LeBrons? Yes. Kobes? Yes. Kevin Durants? Yes. Kyries? Yes. Currys? Um … maybe to cut grass. But if it’s on the internet, it must be true).
Unfortunately, Curry’s Midas touch hasn’t spread to the creation and release of the “Chef” colorway for Under Armour’s Curry 2 Lows, which is the single worst shoe any marquee athlete has ever released. It’s the Soul Plane of s—tty shoes.
Fortunately, this is just my opinion. And I’m only one person. I’m also a bit of an optimist, who recognizes that I just might not be the target demographic for these shoes. Maybe they’re created specifically for some of the following people:
- President Barack Obama, who can now transition from the Costco Nikes he’s been photographed hooping in to something he can actually buy at the mall;
- Fifty-seven-year-old black men who attend white parties and work shifts at military hospitals on the same day and want to wear the same shoes to both.
- Members of a traveling kickball tournament team;
- Astronauts playing H-O-R-S-E on the moon;
- People playing volleyball in internet stock photos of people playing basketball;
- Families who dress alike on cruises and at amusement parks and need something to wear on white-shirt day;
- Fifteen-year-olds working the “guess your weight” and funnel-cake stations at amusement parks;
- Men who wear “coach clothes” (the visor, the Oakley sunglasses, the tear-away sweatpants) to church, to work, to Giant Eagle, on dates with their wives, to walk the dog, on vacation and while having sex;
- Zombies and professional zombie hunters;
- Crews of elderly women (seasoned black girls run) doing surprisingly fast laps around the mall.
Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VerySmartBrothas.com. He is also a contributing editor at Ebony.com. He lives in Pittsburgh and he really likes pancakes. You can reach him at email@example.com.